Dear Old Lady Who Thinks She’s the Boss of Me:
I don’t know if you know this, but I’m FIVE. And when you turn five, that means YOU get to be the boss and you don’t have to listen to your mom OR your dad, especially when they’re telling you that it’s not “healthy” to play video games all day every day, or that you can’t get what you want by whining, or some stupid shit like that.
So I’ve decided to take over.
Now that I’m the boss, there are going to be a few new rules around here so I hope you’re ready. Take note.
- I CAN EAT CANDY WHENEVER I WANT AND YOU CANNOT STOP ME. You will buy me at least two cases of gummy worms and a satchel of candy corn every time you go to the grocery store and that is what I will have for dinner, with ice cream and frosting for dessert. Vegetables are for pussies.
- Miss Bossypants Two Doors Down is my VERY BEST FRIEND and there’s not a goddamned THING you can do about it. I will play with her every day and I will do everything she says, even if she tells me to break every rule you’ve ever had or wants to dress me up like a princess again.
- You are NOT ALLOWED to EVER take me to the grocery store again, I hate that fucking place.
- Every day when you pick me up from school you will take me to the place with all the games and buy me ONE THOUSAND TOKENS, and you will wait patiently for me to use every single last one of them. You will hold on to all of my tickets and when it’s time to cash in you will NOT confuse me with math questions (“So if you have 100 tickets and the green vampire teeth are 30 tickets, do you have enough?” I HATE THAT SHIT!) If I don’t have enough tickets for the prize I want, you’ll figure out a way, I know you can. I have faith in you.
Also, all of this will happen regardless of the color I receive in my behavior folder for Kindergarten that day. Don’t like that I got a “red” mark? Sounds like a personal problem to me.
- Speaking of Kindergarten, I don’t like it and I’m not going to go anymore. Find another solution.
- You will watch and applaud everything I do, except when I don’t want you to. You will provide your undivided attention and clap enthusiastically when I do any of the following:- Dance
- Play a video game
- Perform a musical in the bathtub
- Tell a story
- Jump on the trampoline in my underwear and Spiderman goggles
However, when I do other things like jump on the couch, slam the door or poke the dog in the eye, you will pretend not to notice or care.
- Speaking of the trampoline, I know we have one in the backyard but that doesn’t mean I don’t still get to go to the jumpy trampoline place anytime I want to. I don’t care how much it costs you, stop bellyaching and get with the program. Find a Groupon or something, I don’t care.
- You will finally make good on that promise you made to take me to the water park this summer and stop pretending like you don’t remember. I’M FIVE, NOT STUPID.
- I like to do stuff. Fun stuff. Stuff like the jumpy place (see Rule #7) and the water park (#8) and the arcade (#4) and the lake and the swimming pool and the park and whatever. Get over it and make some shit happen.
- Don’t even THINK about using Santa as a bribe again this year. He IS coming to my house on Christmas Eve and he WILL bring a Nintendo 3DS WITH Mario Kart 7, regardless of how I behave between now and December 25. You keep telling me you have an “in” with the guy, so it’s time to put up or shut up.
- I will be something fantastic for Halloween and by “fantastic” I mean FUCKING SCARY. I haven’t decided what yet but whatever it is will involve BLOOD and GORE and probably a MASK, even though you said I couldn’t have one (which was a dumb rule to begin with – who cares how handsome my face is? It’s Halloween, for chrissakes). Also, any costume you like or think is “cute” is automatically disqualified.
- Bedtime is whenever I want it to be which is NEVER.
- The television is MINE. I can watch whatever I want, whenever I want and you can’t watch anything ever. Without restriction, I will watch all of the following:
- MAD, even though all the jokes are about Twilight and I don’t know what the hell that is.
- Shrek 2 for the 6,745,764th time (that part where Puss licks himself just never gets old!).
- Any of those shitty “sitcoms” on the Disney channel that you’re always complaining about.
Also, you have to stop trying to force Sesame Street down my throat. I’ve moved on and it’s time you did, too.
- I will continue to call you a “butthole” anytime I want to. (Thanks again, Aunt Sassy, for teaching me this awesome term. It’s so descriptive!)
- You are not allowed to make me pose for pictures anymore, and I don’t have to wear pants if I don’t want to which I don’t. I’m not your trained monkey, and pants make me sad.
So there you go. I’ll just make up the rest as I go.
I hope you know I’m not doing this to punish you, it’s just that I’m FIVE now and it’s time I took charge. I think these are all really good rules and things are going to work out great for everyone if you’ll just fall in line. If you don’t, I’ll have to send you to your room for at least ten minutes and I will NOT share any of my candy corn or fruit snacks with you. (I see you sneaking them all the time so don’t pretend like that doesn’t scare you.)
But hey — don’t be too scared. I plan to be a benevolent ruler, and I’m sure we’re going to get along fine. Just remember that I especially like people who follow my rules, let me have whatever I want and never, ever say “no” to me.
So don’t be a butthole.
The Five Year Old Who is Now the Boss of EVERYONE.Stumble it!