Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post.
If you don’t want to see pictures of fake vaginas, or read about fake vaginas, you should probably leave now. Because, again, YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE FAKE VAGINAS. I don’t want to hear any whining about it. You’ve been warned.
So I have this friend who has a friend who works for a company called Fleshlight. And one day my friend was all, “Hey! You should totally pitch some freelance work to Fleshlight!” and I was all, “I don’t know what that is but it sounds horrible,” and he said, “No, it’s awesome. Check it out, I bet you could really write some great stuff for them.” So, being interested in marketing my superior freelance writing services to a higher end, corporate client fucking desperate for work, I opened the web site to see what it was all about.
And then I spent three hours on the Internet looking at fake vaginas.
With an expression on my face very similar to this:
I think I’ve hit a new low.
Anyway I told my friend that I’d never forgive him for making me know that fake vaginas exist and he was all, “Well JEEZ, Beej, I just thought you could write some funny copy for them or something, I didn’t know you’d get all into it or whatever,” and I literally gasped at the offensiveness of that. And when I recovered I explained that I wasn’t into it, but rather shocked and mortified and holy-shit-fake-vaginas-yuck… and all those things fall into a completely different emotional category.
He wasn’t convinced but whatever.
So then I took a hot shower. Scalding hot. For an hour and a half. Which, for the record, did nothing to cleanse the images of Fleshlight from my eyeballs. And when I finally got up from my fetal position, I started thinking about how I should maybe start doing a better job of time management in my life. Because three hours, y’all.
This is when I decided to break down all that time I’d spent looking at fake vaginas. You know, for better analysis and stuff. Because clearly this was a MUCH better use of my time than paying the mortgage or picking my son up from Kindergarten or finishing that project I was supposed to turn in yesterday.
And here it is.
MY THREE HOURS ON FLESHLIGHT
12:00-12:30 Opened home page to find a shiny, golden naked girl covered in chains. Why aren’t the chains attached to anything? Is she a slave who’s escaped from an underground gold mining operation? Is her punishment just to CARRY the heavy chains, like Jacob Marley? So many questions. So few answers.
Wait. Why she is holding that magic golden eye? Why is it winking?
12:31 OHMYGOD THAT IS NOT A MAGIC EYE.
12:31-12:45 B-b-b-but… where does the… how does the… what do you do with the… ???
Realization: I can never un-see this.
12:45-1:00 Initial shock wore off. More information needed. Commenced investigation. Located selection of fake vaginas…
…and assholes. Because of COURSE assholes.
1:00-1:15 Time spent feeling insecure about the inadequacies of my own vagina. Research on possible surgery to improve my vagina’s textural condition, because apparently this is a thing that’s important. I had no idea.
Particularly intimidated by the “mature orifice” and “prize-worthy texture” of the M.I.L.F. Hunter.
Product description: “Get your cock loaded and assume the stealth position! Introducing the M.I.L.F. Hunter by Fleshlight. Made from our patented SuperSkin™ material, the M.I.L.F. Hunter Fleshlight product features a mature orifice with a prize-worthy texture, and comes with a camo-green case. Order now before you miss your shot!”
1:15-1:30 WAIT. STOP. NO. WAIT.
Is that vagina…
(Additional time spent coming to terms with the knowledge that I will never be okay again.)
1:30-1:45 Perused the new and exciting “Sex in a Can” product line of fake vaginas/mouths/assholes — cleverly disguised inside fake beer cans. For when you need to take your vagina/mouth/asshole on the go, obviously. Yes. This is necessary.
Product description for Lady Lager: “Born in the heart of Texas’ hill country, Lady Lager is carefully handcrafted by masturbrewers with our patented SuperSkin Material for a truly lifelike feel. This lady combines the choicest lips and the rarest sensations you’ll always fill up and will never let you down.”
Masturbrewers? Never let you down? Everything about this makes me realize that I am a total failure as a copywriter.
1:45-2:00 Oh hey! They have a Halloween section!
Oh. Dear. They have a Halloween section.
Seriously? Bumpy, veiny zombie and Frankenstein vaginas and dildos? THIS COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET ANY SEXIER.
2:00-2:15 Um… now, wait a minute. I’m confused.
Isn’t this the kind of thing that penises usually wish to AVOID?
Here my confusion led to extensive polling of my male friends, with questions like, “But… ouch? Right?” and “In what way is this good?” Their answers were generally just as confused as I was. (Favorite comment: “I think my penis just tried to crawl back inside my body.”)
2:15-2:20 Hmm. Now, what could this cute little contraption be?
2:20-2:45 Ooooohhhh. I see. Oh, my.
2:45-3:00 And now, for the rest of my life, I will imagine every man who enters my frame of vision humping a cat tree.
Thank you for that, Fleshlight.
3:00 At this point, I realized that the Little Bean had been waiting for me to pick him up from school for about 45 minutes. And that is the one and only reason I stopped looking at fake vaginas.
Side note: I am the best mom ever.
So. The good news is, after proper analysis I’ve come away from all of this a little wiser and a whole lot more skanky. Which, I’m pretty sure, is EXACTLY the kind of freelancer a company like Fleshlight needs.
Forthcoming: My pitch letter to the Fleshlight Powers That Be. With samples.
Tags: my real vagina is sad