See if you can explain any of these to me… consider it your daily challenge…
- Morning radio people
Who are you and why does anything you say matter enough to be on the radio instead of actual music? Why should the world care about what you did over the weekend, how your wife nags you, or what you thought of the new “Indiana Jones” movie?
It’s early. I’m tired and I’ve got a long commute. The last thing I want to do is spend it listening to you and your lame-ass friends trying superhard to be funny (and failing miserably).
You are the fingernails on the chalkboard of my life.
- How Bert has not killed Ernie yet on Sesame Street
Bert is just a simple, quiet guy. He’s neat. He likes his privacy and spends his spare time with his pigeons or a good book.
He’s also a puppet of great restraint.
Ernie is the roommate from hell. He’s messy, obnoxious, spends much of his time in the bathtub doing God-knows-what, has an unhealthy relationship with his rubber duckie and constantly rouses Bert from a deep sleep to sing pointless songs about what great friends they are. (Oh yeah, Ernie? A REAL friend would let his buddy get some friggin’ sleep.) Bert has even been forced to sleep in the kitchen on occasion.
If I was Bert I would have straight-up murdered Ernie’s ass by now.
All I can think is, Ernie must be a real tiger in the sack. Because there is no doubt that these two are totally gay for each other. What other reason could possibly explain why Bert’s put up with it for all of these years? It can only be pure sexual chemistry keeping him there. I’m surprised Pat Buchanan hasn’t shown up yet to picket their apartment.
(I have a whole post on Sesame Street coming soon. It’s fascinating to watch from a grown-up’s perspective.)
- The guy who just HAS to BACK into the parking space
How many times have I been held hostage by this guy?
It takes twice as long to park when you back into the space, I don’t care how good your hand-eye coordination is or how many times you’ve done it before. And it’s almost always a guy in some big obnoxious truck, which takes even longer because of its sheer girth.
While I sit there, waiting for dumbass to get his tail end into the space and out of my way, I have plenty of time to wonder about this. And I just don’t get it!
How is pulling in backwards better? Unless you’re loading something into a garage or something, what difference does it make if your car is facing the front or the back of a space? Do these people really think they are saving time this way? I mean, sure, it’s easier to pull out of the space later, I guess, but in the end it can’t add up in your favor.
Someday someone is going to HAVE to explain this to me.
I live in Texas so I see a lot of these guys. The guys who like to think of themselves as cowboys so much that they dress in cowboy costumes and expect people to take them seriously. Wrangler jeans, cowboy boots, ten-gallon hats, the works.
Listen, fellas – there are no cowboys anymore, at least not very many. And I can pretty much guarantee that you’re not one of the few who might be left.
What you’re wearing is not an outfit, it’s a Halloween costume. You look ridiculous. Grow up and get some real clothes. (This means you, George W!)
- How I always manage to end up in the line behind the person with issues
Doesn’t matter where I am – grocery store, mall, gas station – I ALWAYS end up behind the person who wants to complain (manager to register one please), or has fifteen coupons (at least one of which isn’t valid – manager to aisle 3), or has a “faulty” credit card (translation: past one’s limit – manager to register 99), or has a return without tags (probably shoplifted – manager, and security, to aisle 72 please).
If it’s not one of these, it’s a brand new cashier with no clue, or a register that breaks or runs out of paper just as I get to the front of the line.
And still somehow I never manage to see it coming. I’m completely unsuspecting until I’m five deep in line and it’s too late to back out. On the few occasions when I have switched lines, it just turned out to be a bigger problem that took longer anyway.
Is this a vast, worldwide conspiracy to irritate me? Because if it is, it’s working.
- Christian Rock
Need I say more?
The “Bush-Cheney 2000″ or “Bush-Cheney 2004″ Bumper Sticker Guy
News flash: THEY WON. They don’t need your sticker anymore.
Oh, and by the way, that sticker basically announces to the world that you (yes, you) are partially responsible for the 8-year-long nightmare we’ve been living and the terrible mess we’re in now. Nice job, dickweed. At least have enough sense not to advertise it.
The “Gore-Lieberman 2000″ or “Kerry-Edwards 2004″ Bumper Sticker Guy
News flash: THEY LOST. It’s over. Move on.
I like to say “I told you so” as much as the next guy – but I do that by actually saying it. Out loud.
Speaking of bumper stickers…
Is it just me or have we gone a little crazy with the bumper sticker thing? The number of cars covered with stickers to promote various causes seems to have increased ten-fold in the last few years. ONE sticker on your car is enough to convince me that you’re a believer – whether it’s Jesus Saves or George W. or Save the Whales or the Dallas Cowboys. Any more than one doesn’t earn you extra fan points – it just makes you look kinda stupid and maybe just a *little* obsessive. Stalk much?
The other day I was behind an old guy in a Cadillac and without ever meeting or talking to this man I knew what college he graduated from, what college his grandson went to, his religious affiliation, his political views, and the fact that he spent time in both the military and a rotary club. I knew more about this guy than I know about some of my friends.
(In the interest of disclosure, I should admit that I have a University of Texas alumni sticker on my car. And I was really tempted the other day to add a bumper sticker when I saw one that read “I really like kids but I usually can’t eat a whole one.”)
Already working on installment #4… stay tuned…Stumble it!