Bejewell on June 7th, 2008

Time for another round of Stuff I Don’t Get.  (See previous installments My “I Don’t Get It” List  and More Stuff I Don’t Get.) 

See if you can explain any of these to me… consider it your daily challenge…

  • Morning radio people

    Who are you and why does anything you say matter enough to be on the radio instead of actual music?  Why should the world care about what you did over the weekend, how your wife nags you, or what you thought of the new “Indiana Jones” movie?   
     
    It’s early.  I’m tired and I’ve got a long commute.  The last thing I want to do is spend it listening to you and your lame-ass friends trying superhard to be funny (and failing miserably). 
     
    You are the fingernails on the chalkboard of my life.
     
  • How Bert has not killed Ernie yet on Sesame Street
     
    Bert is just a simple, quiet guy.  He’s neat.  He likes his privacy and spends his spare time with his pigeons or a good book.
     
    He’s also a puppet of great restraint.
     
    Ernie is the roommate from hell. He’s messy, obnoxious, spends much of his time in the bathtub doing God-knows-what, has an unhealthy relationship with his rubber duckie and constantly rouses Bert from a deep sleep to sing pointless songs about what great friends they are.  (Oh yeah, Ernie?  A REAL friend would let his buddy get some friggin’ sleep.)   Bert has even been forced to sleep in the kitchen on occasion.
     
    If I was Bert I would have straight-up murdered Ernie’s ass by now.
     
    All I can think is, Ernie must be a real tiger in the sack.  Because there is no doubt that these two are totally gay for each other.  What other reason could possibly explain why Bert’s put up with it for all of these years?  It can only be pure sexual chemistry keeping him there.  I’m surprised Pat Buchanan hasn’t shown up yet to picket their apartment.
     
    (I have a whole post on Sesame Street coming soon.  It’s fascinating to watch from a grown-up’s perspective.)
     
  • The guy who just HAS to BACK into the parking space
     
    How many times have I been held hostage by this guy?
     
    It takes twice as long to park when you back into the space, I don’t care how good your hand-eye coordination is or how many times you’ve done it before.  And it’s almost always a guy in some big obnoxious truck, which takes even longer because of its sheer girth. 
     
    While I sit there, waiting for dumbass to get his tail end into the space and out of my way, I have plenty of time to wonder about this.  And I just don’t get it!
     
    How is pulling in backwards better?  Unless you’re loading something into a garage or something, what difference does it make if your car is facing the front or the back of a space?  Do these people really think they are saving time this way? I mean, sure, it’s easier to pull out of the space later, I guess, but in the end it can’t add up in your favor.
     
    Someday someone is going to HAVE to explain this to me.
     
  • Pretend-Cowboys
     
    I live in Texas so I see a lot of these guys.  The guys who like to think of themselves as cowboys so much that they dress in cowboy costumes and expect people to take them seriously.  Wrangler jeans, cowboy boots, ten-gallon hats, the works.
     
    Listen, fellas – there are no cowboys anymore, at least not very many.  And I can pretty much guarantee that you’re not one of the few who might be left. 
     
    What you’re wearing is not an outfit, it’s a Halloween costume.  You look ridiculous.  Grow up and get some real clothes.  (This means you, George W!)
     
  • How I always manage to end up in the line behind the person with issues  
     
    Doesn’t matter where I am – grocery store, mall, gas station – I ALWAYS end up behind the person who wants to complain (manager to register one please), or has fifteen coupons (at least one of which isn’t valid – manager to aisle 3), or has a “faulty” credit card (translation: past one’s limit – manager to register 99), or has a return without tags (probably shoplifted – manager, and security, to aisle 72 please).
     
    If it’s not one of these, it’s a brand new cashier with no clue, or a register that breaks or runs out of paper just as I get to the front of the line.
     
    And still somehow I never manage to see it coming.  I’m completely unsuspecting until I’m five deep in line and it’s too late to back out.  On the few occasions when I have switched lines, it just turned out to be a bigger problem that took longer anyway.
     
    Is this a vast, worldwide conspiracy to irritate me?  Because if it is, it’s working.
     
  • Christian Rock
     
    Need I say more?
     
  • The “Bush-Cheney 2000″ or “Bush-Cheney 2004″ Bumper Sticker Guy
     
    News flash:  THEY WON.  They don’t need your sticker anymore.
     
    Oh, and by the way, that sticker basically announces to the world that you (yes, you) are partially responsible for the 8-year-long nightmare we’ve been living and the terrible mess we’re in now.  Nice job, dickweed.  At least have enough sense not to advertise it.
     
  • The “Gore-Lieberman 2000″ or “Kerry-Edwards 2004″ Bumper Sticker Guy
     
    News flash:  THEY LOST.  It’s over.  Move on.
     
    I like to say “I told you so” as much as the next guy – but I do that by actually saying it.  Out loud.
     
  • Speaking of bumper stickers…
     
    Is it just me or have we gone a little crazy with the bumper sticker thing? The number of cars covered with stickers to promote various causes seems to have increased ten-fold in the last few years.  ONE sticker on your car is enough to convince me that you’re a believer – whether it’s Jesus Saves or George W. or Save the Whales or the Dallas Cowboys.  Any more than one doesn’t earn you extra fan points – it just makes you look kinda stupid and maybe just a *little* obsessive.  Stalk much?
     
    The other day I was behind an old guy in a Cadillac and without ever meeting or talking to this man I knew what college he graduated from, what college his grandson went to, his religious affiliation, his political views, and the fact that he spent time in both the military and a rotary club.  I knew more about this guy than I know about some of my friends.
     
    (In the interest of disclosure, I should admit that I have a University of Texas alumni sticker on my car.  And I was really tempted the other day to add a bumper sticker when I saw one that read “I really like kids but I usually can’t eat a whole one.”)

Already working on installment #4… stay tuned…

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11 Responses to “Stuff I Don’t Get, Installment 3”

  1. Fantastic! I laughed so hard reading this. Can’t wait for #4 :)

  2. Ok, so the backing into the parking spaces thing…in Korea, EVERYBODY and their grandmother backs into spaces. It was a mystery to me WHY they would do this, backing up the entire line behind them…and believe me, traffic in Asia is no mean thing…anyway, I was once proofing an article that was talking about something like being patient and not being lazy and taking the time to do something now so that in the future you would reap the rewards and the example they used? yep, backing into parking spots. Go, figure. Weird, huh?

  3. tbkent – Thanks!! Keep an eye out, I think #4 might come around sooner rather than later. I’ve seen a lot of things lately that just freak my freak.

    ~m – Now I’m even more confused than ever. Just after I wrote that post, I went to Target and got held up yet again by one of these backer-inners. When I got out of my car (much later than I should have, after spending God knows how long waiting for this dippity-do to back his ass in), I really wanted to catch up to him and ask why. But I chickened out. One of these days I’m going to get up my courage and ask someone.

    Okay, I probably never will. It’s more fun to wonder and judge.

  4. HA! Love it!

    Re Bert and Ernie — supposedly they’ve moved apart and now live in separate apts because “viewers” complained of the gay overtones. Seriously??

    And fake cowboys — LOTS in my neck of the woods too. Just as annoying.

    Thanks for stopping by today — great blog!

  5. MommyPie – The Bean has a small mental disorder we call I-Love-Elmo-Even-Though-He’s-Annoying-As-Hell-and-My-Mom-Wants-To-Kill-Him disease. So we watch a LOT of Sesame Street at our house. So far, I have yet to see Bert and Ernie in separate apartments.
    As much as I think it would be good for Bert to get out of that dysfunctional relationship, I would hate to see him cowtow (I really like that word and I’m so glad I found an opportunity to use it) to the Pat Buchanans of the world.

    Still, it might be best if Bert and Ernie took a “break” for a little while. Bert could really use some “me” time.

    Love your blog, by the way!!

  6. not to sure about the rest of the stuff, but as for bert and ernie: they ARE lovers, they’re going to have a bumpy road ahead of them.

  7. OH I ALMOST FORGOT. you can’t bash christian rock because you just looooved the rocket summer when i showed you them. and being somewhat agnostic can’t be your excuse because so am i.

  8. I always thought that Bert was probably the annoying one. Anal. Annoying laugh. Obsession with fowl. And no fun at all at a slumber party.

  9. Sarah – I was being nice. At least, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    Givinya — You’re crazy! Bert fucking rocks! He’s just a nice guy with a little bit of a pigeon fetish — we’ve all got our crosses to bear.

  10. i don’t normally post comments .. but i gotta say.. these infos are great. thanks man

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