Bejewell on November 2nd, 2012

Note: This poem is included in my amazing book Something Smells Like Pee, which is currently available for sale in both e-book and paperback formats on Amazon.combarnesandnoble.com, and other super groovy places. All the cool kids are buying it!

He’s sexy and sparkly, all girls’ true desire.
So what if he’s an old, dead vampire?
It didn’t stop Bella from lighting his fire…
but still.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

I get it – this story’s the stuff made of dreams.
Panties cream, from old moms to young teens.
But these books have been out forever, it seems,
so time’s up.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

The truth is, you just wish that you could be Bella -
young and dumb, with a rich, gorgeous fella
and an endless love bond, like you’re under a spell, but
you’re not.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

Yes, Edward gets you hot, horny and weepy,
but he’s pasty and broody and way too grim reap-y
and a soccer mom pining for him is just creepy.
Grow up.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

The last movie’s out and I hope that’s the end
of the vampire-loves-dumbass-chick trend.
Let’s start loving books that don’t suck balls, my friend.
Let’s all
shut the fuck up about Twilight.

Shut the Fuck Up About Twilight

He’s sexy and any teen girl’s true desire.
So what if he’s an old, dead vampire?
It didn’t stop Bella from lighting his fire…

But still.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

I get it — this story’s the stuff made of dreams.
Panties cream, from old moms to young teens.
But these books have been out fifty years, so it seems…

It’s time.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

The truth is, you just wish that you could be Bella
Young and dumb, with a rich, gorgeous fella
And eternal love bond, like you’re under a spell, but
You’re not.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

Yes, Edward gets you all hot, bothered and weepy
But he’s pasty and broody and way too grim reap-y
And a soccer mom pining for him is just creepy
Come on.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

The last movie’s coming, and I hope that’s the end

Of the vampire-loves-dumbass-chick trend

Let’s start loving books that don’t suck balls, my friend.

Let’s all

Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

He’s sexy and any teen girl’s true desire.
So what if he’s an old, dead vampire?
It didn’t stop Bella from lighting his fire…
But still.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

I get it — this story’s the stuff made of dreams.
Panties cream, from old moms to young teens.
But these books have been out fifty years, so it seems…
It’s time.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

The truth is, you just wish that you could be Bella
Young and dumb, with a rich, gorgeous fella
And eternal love bond, like you’re under a spell, but
You’re not.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

Yes, Edward gets you all hot, bothered and weepy
But he’s pasty and broody and way too grim reap-y
And a soccer mom pining for him is just creepy
Come on.
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

The last movie’s coming, and I hope that’s the end
Of the vampire-loves-dumbass-chick trend
Let’s start loving books that don’t suck balls, my friend.
Let’s all
Shut the fuck up about Twilight.

  • Share/Bookmark
Stumble it!

Tags: , ,

2 Responses to “Shut the Fuck Up About Twilight”

  1. Proud to say that I haven’t read a single one of the books or seen any of the movies.

  2. Here, here!

    I once had a friend that recommended the books to me. I made it halfway through page one and broke up with my friend. How can I be friends with someone who can read shit like that? I heard that she was all into the 50 Shades, too. Glad I got out of that one.

Leave a Reply