So this week I learned that David Gandy exists. Do you know who David Gandy is? No? Well, let me enlighten you.
THIS is David Gandy:
Uh, yeah. David Gandy EXISTS, y’all. He exists like a motherfucker. He can exist the hell out of me, anytime he wants. I found him by accident, doing something on the Internet that was probably really important, like paying my mortgage or researching a cure for diabetes or something. But then I found a slideshow of David Gandy photos and I was all, “FUCK THE MORTGAGE AND THE DIABETES. I’M IN LOVE WITH DAVID GANDY” and I spent the next hour or so just looking and drooling and looking and drooling and looking and drooling and so on.
I’m sure there are plenty of people already at work on that diabetes thing, anyway.
Lucky for everyone, the Big Bean happened to be sitting next to me when I came across this amazing gift from the sex gods and as I clicked from one flaming loins photo to the next, our conversation proved that (1) the Big Bean uses humor to mask his own insecurities and (B) We old.
ME: Oh. Oh, my. Wow.
BIG BEAN: (turns up volume)
ME: Oh, dear. (sharp intake of breath) Holy SHIT! Wowza!
BIG BEAN: (looks annoyed)
ME: (loud whistle)
BIG BEAN: Okay, what the HELL are you looking a—
glances over and sees this:
ME: I know, right?
BIG BEAN: I really could have gone all day without seeing that.
ME: Well, I couldn’t.
clicks to this one:
BIG BEAN: What the hell is this, anyway?
ME: It’s David Gandy. He’s a supermodel.
BIG BEAN: He’s not so hot.
ME: No, of course not. I mean, unless you’re really into guys with rock hard abs and bodies made of chiseled stone and magic sexy fairy dust.
BIG BEAN: Which you’re not into at all.
BIG BEAN: That must be the most uncomfortable bed in the world.
BIG BEAN: I guarantee, that guy was performing manual override just before this picture.
ME: Manual override?
BIG BEAN: Yeah, you know. Squeezing the weasel.
ME: (confused stare)
BIG BEAN: Pounding the flounder? Polishing the rocket? Beating the meat? JERKING OFF, honey. Come on, learn your slang. See there, where his pants are undone? And how exhausted he looks? That guy just had a jerkathon.
BIG BEAN: Kids these days, and their fucking fashion.
ME: Oh. Dear.
BIG BEAN: Is that guy humping a pillow?
ME: How come you never stand like that in your underwear?
BIG BEAN: Are you kidding? I do that all the time. I just did it a little while ago when I was changing out of my work clothes.
BIG BEAN: Um… someone should really tell him he’s doing that wrong.
BIG BEAN: Well, hell. Even I‘d fuck that guy.