I wash my hair
I wash my face
I wash my body all over the place
And when I reach that one spot, there…
There’s always a glob of hair.
As the shampoo rinses
From each long tress
Some falls from my head in a graceful mess
I don’t notice it trail right down my back
And settle in my ass crack.
Once it reaches
Its destination
It jumbles into a knotty formation
And bids goodbye to my crowning dome
As it settles in its new home.
My hands move down
In a cleansing technique
Soapy, they slip between my cheeks
I pull something strange from the dark abyss
And ask, “What the fuck is this?”
I run my hand under
The hot, moist rain
And watch as the glob snakes down the drain
I stand there alone in the steamy fog…
And just pray it doesn’t clog.
Stumble it!
Tags: How is it possible that I have not yet won a Pulitzer?, I may have reached a new low
December 10th, 2012 at 12:18 pm
I am honored to be present to see the pinnacle of literary achievement in our times. Thank you Beej! You are a master at the written word.
December 11th, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Screw Shakespeare. You win. This is magical.
January 1st, 2013 at 1:22 am
I once read that many bread companies use a dough conditioner called “l-cysteine”. It is derived from many sources, but most importantly and less costly is human hair. There is human hair in bread. That is all.
January 14th, 2013 at 7:41 pm
How did this NOT go viral???? This is the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in ages. It’s one of those “So, I’m not the only one?” posts. I swear ass-crack hairballs never happened to me before I had kids, and I don’t think it’s because my hair is falling out more (though it is). I think it’s because my butt cracked is buried deeper in my ever-growing butt.