- The endless cycle of Beej’s hair: grow out, get bored, cut, cry, grow out, get bored, cut, cry, and so on
- A “party” where you are expected to buy shit is NOT a party. It is a SALE.
- Hiding Out and Soul Man: Proof that both racism and statutory rape were a lot funnier in the 80s
- Side topic: Theories of post-80s life progression for Rae Dawn Chong
- The awesome sex dream I had about Matt Damon and how my cat ruined it
- The Vermont Country Store’s “Sexual Wellness” section: Because old people need vibrators, too
- The fact that it’s possible to get a pimple after the age of 40 is one of life’s greatest Fuck Yous.
- Pump Up the Volume was Christian Slater’s finest film – despite the presence of Samantha Mathis — and if you say otherwise I’ll punch you in the throat
- I have become convinced that I’m growing jowls
- NOEL does not mean what I thought it meant
- I want to adopt a potbellied pig and name it Amy Swinehouse, but I’m concerned this would seem disrespectful
- My anagram name is BLEW THE JELLY and I think this is wonderful
- How I walked into Home Depot for light bulbs and walked out with new blinds, a $500 gas grill, photos of a man with pomade in his hair and no light bulbs
- What the fuck is this Daniel Tiger bullshit and how can we put a stop to it?
- The multiple ways in which I continue to fuck up my life daily
- Fart bubbles
- Adam Carolla will never not be a douche
- Capri pants are a crime against humanity
- Mean girl drama wasn’t cute in high school and it’s even less cute at age 40
- Boob shrinkage
Obviously none of these ideas were good enough to publish on this here fine, highbrow blog. I passed them all up and wrote a poem about hair in my ass crack instead.