So, last week I met this fabulous writer, whom I found through an article she had published in the local newspaper. The article was about her experience at BlogHer, and I was fascinated — so fascinated that I found her blog and left a comment about wanting to connect with other Austin bloggers, and she commented back, and before you could say “mommy blog” (I SO fucking HATE that term) we were having lunch.
And it was a great lunch, and she was super-cool, and could not have been more gracious and lovely. And I was very proud of myself for not fucking it up royally, which VERY EASILY could have happened.
But there was one moment, toward the very end, when it all almost came crashing down. Just one very fleeting moment, in which my true jackass nature showed through the groovy façade I had created (truth be told, it really wasn’t *that* groovy to begin with) and I thought to myself, “Self, you have just revealed what a huge dork you really are and this woman is never going to want to hang out with you again.”
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a tendency to obsess about things. I FIXATE. And, true to form, I fixated on That. One. Moment.
I twittered about it. I called BFF for advice. I even told my chiropractor. Everyone told me I was overreacting, but I didn’t believe them. I was CONVINCED this woman would never want to speak to me again and she was probably at home right now calling all of her kick-ass cool friends, telling them what a ridiculous loser she’d just met and laughing at me like Count von Count from Sesame Street.
But you know what? It turns out she was actually NOT making plans to join the Witness Protection Program so she would never have to see me again. The next day she actually wrote a very nice post about meeting me.
So yeah, okay, I might have overreacted just a *tiny* bit.
But something positive DID come out of my typical psycho-insecure-high-schooler-angst, because in the middle of all of it, I managed to write a KICK-ASS post. I mean, this thing was Fucking Awesome. It was self-deprecating, and funny, and clever, and a very entertaining read if I do say so myself (and I do).
Did I come across as a total freak? Well, sure. But that’s not exactly a departure from my normal M.O. here at The Bean.
Still, I was nervous to publish it, because I didn’t want this fantastic writer and (hopefully) new friend to think I was making fun of HER. It was ME I was making fun of, me and my stupid awkward social skills and the fact that I cannot get through a simple lunch with someone without doing something to sabotage whatever non-freak-like illusion of myself I might have managed to create with smoke and mirrors.
I wanted to run the post by someone before I published it, just to be sure I wasn’t about to piss off and offend this woman whose friendship I now coveted.
What I should have done was ask Auds. She’s smart like that, and usually never sometimes very mature. But she’s had a lot going on lately and I didn’t want to bug her.
I could have asked BFF, who probably would have offered sound advice once she was finished making fun of me — or my mom, who showed me the article that led me to this amazing woman to start off with. But it was late, and I didn’t want to bother them.
And this is where I made my big mistake.
I asked the Big Bean.
Now, the Big Bean doesn’t usually read my blog, unless (a) I read it TO him or (b) I force him to read it by threatening to withhold sex until he gets at least 4 out of 5 pop quiz questions right. And I’m not too upset by that, because he’s more of an outdoors, action kind of guy and blogging’s just not his thing. I get it. It’s cool.
But, even though I know he’s not into it and doesn’t read other people’s blogs, or even my blog, and even though he understands NOTHING about the complexities of the Blogosphere and/or social blogging structure and/or what it’s like to be an insecure, geeky 16-year-old girl trapped inside a 30-something-year-old’s body, I still asked him. Because despite all his cluelessness, I still value his opinion.
And he told me not to publish it.
And I was fucking PISSED.
I was all, “Well, obviously you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! This post is BRILLIANT!” and he was all, “It kind of makes you look like a jackass” and I was all, “Yeah, duh, that’s the whole point, so who’s the jackass now, JACKASS?” and he was all, “You’re crazy” and I was all, “You’re the crazy one, BITCH” and he was all, “Look why did you ask me if you didn’t want my opinion?” and I was all, “Fuck you.”
And then he rolled his eyes and stopped talking to me. And I was left to fume alone.
Okay, so yeah, I DID ask him, thereby opening myself up to the possibility that he would tell me not to publish it. And I guess my expectations were a *tiny bit* unrealistic (in that I totally expected him to spring from his seat shouting “OH MY GOD THAT IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER READ YOU ARE SO SMART AND FUNNY AND ADORABLE I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM SO LUCKY TO BE MARRIED TO YOU!” and then put me up on his shoulders and parade me around the neighborhood while tickertape and confetti fell from the sky).
(What’s a girl gotta do to get a goddamned tickertape parade around here, huh?)
But my point is, now I’ve got this Fucking Awesome post just sitting in my Drafts folder gathering dust, but I’m all scared-bunny to publish it, because I LET HIM GET TO ME and I have no one to blame for that but myself.
And I AM convinced that it’s Fucking Awesome, but on some level I am ALSO convinced that I don’t know Fucking Awesome from a hole in the ground and if I publish it against the advice of the Big Bean, he will turn out to be absolutely right and not only will every reader I’ve ever had decide IMMEDIATELY to hate me and never return to The Bean, but my new BFF#2 will read it and be completely horrified and she will call all of her friends on her way to file a restraining order against me and tell them what a stupid bitch I am.
And also, the Big Bean will WIN, and that is Simply. Unacceptable.
Then another part of me is like, Fuck ‘em all, write what you want even if it makes you look like a total dildo, at least you’ve got integrity.
But then I ask myself, “Self, how much does integrity really matter after you’ve revealed to the world that you’re a total dildo and everyone hates you and the Big Bean knows he has won?”
I’m still undecided. What would you do?
————–
P.S. The ONE TIME the Big Bean actually reads my blog voluntarily, and it just happens to be THIS POST. He thought it was funny but didn’t like the way he came off, thought I made it sound like he always wants to win, or something. And for some reason he has chosen this particular day to care what other people in the Blogosphere think of him.
He did not dispute the events as I told them, just complained that I had inaccurately IMPLIED that he was competitive and had challenged me in some way, which he in fact did not.
So let me clarify: Any competition between me and the Big Bean alluded to in this post is purely fictional and exists only in my own fucked up mind. The Big Bean could honestly care less whether I publish this post or not.
I still maintain that he SUCKS for saying I looked like a jackass, but I think it’s pretty obvious from this post and others that I can be kind of a jackass, and I am probably NOT to be trusted.
He also wanted me to tell you all that he is handsome, charming, and a real animal in the sack.
Stumble it!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 am
Okay so I think you are like f-ing awesome so no matter what you wrote I will still think you are f-ing awesome. Oh and the fact you had the BALLS to make plans then FOLLOW THROUGH with meeting another mommy blogger, a NEWSPAPER PUBLISHED mommy blogger is f-ing awesome.
Basically what I am getting at is that no matter what you write (short of sying that you hate me and my dyson for our love) I will continue to read and laugh at/with you.
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Booze, Barf, Banquets, Bubbles, Belching, Ballet and Boogie
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:31 am
Um, ask Auds anyways.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..WE’RE BEING HELD HOSTAGE
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:34 am
Find a friend and guest post it on their blog. Or you could use a stranger’s blog. Mine needs some totally awesome content that results in ticker tape parades, which I agree, are entirely too lacking these days.
Gwens last blog post..Vanishing Acts
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:40 am
1) No matter what, the Big Bean can’t win. You may exercise your prerogative to change your mind about what you wrote…but that won’t mean he wins.
B) You are always totally awesome. The likelihood that this post is majorly fucking awesome is so great that the odds against it look like you’re playing the PowerBall. However, as someone who has lost the PowerBall numerous times, I should say this: on the off chance that the planets are oddly-aligned and it turns out that the post is only mildly awesome, feel free to post an addendum/retraction/version 2.0 to it.
IV) I should state for the record that I know I have zero credibility here. I have no idea what I’m doing in the blogosphere at all. Other than reading your fucking awesome blog (and Auds. And MommyPie’s.) Maybe you better listen to Amy’s advice. I’ll shut up now.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Pros
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 am
If you don’t hit that publish button, the Big Bean wins.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:31 am
Fuck ‘em all, write what you want.
I mean, that’s the whole point, right? (Says the woman who’s been debating posting a probably-not-awesome, out-of-character, possibly-boring post for MONTHS now.)
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:59 am
I’ve read two of your posts, because I’m new here, and this is one of them, and I just have to say that, after reading this, I am hardcore in love with you. I mean, I got a crush on your with the previous post, and you don’t have to freak now that I’ve confessed my love. I just need you to know I have it bad for you, and you can do with that confession what you wish.
I think if you YOU think the totally awesome post is totally awesome, it likely is and you should share it with the world. My husband quit reading my blog, and if he were to start now, or if I tossed a potential entry in front of his face now, he’d just be all, “Yeah, it’s fine,” and I’d be just as confused about what to do with it. But I’d probably post it, because to him, everything is fine. Dinner last night was fine. Work was fine. My imaginary blog posts that he doesn’t read are fine. You can show as many people as you want, but I bet, in reality, the post is molten hot lava awesome.
So…I shall look forward to reading it!
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..‘come with me friday, don’t say maybe’
August 22nd, 2008 at 11:21 am
ROFL @FADKOG — “molten hot lava awesome.” She said it so much better than I could have (hell, DID.) (And she’s NEW! I’m a failure at commenting! [Which does not mean that you shouldn't choose to at least send it to me privately if you don't decide to hit publish.])
Come on. Screws fall out all the time. The world’s an imperfect place. Surely there is room out here for yet another MHLA blog post by you.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Pros
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:07 pm
It’s your blog! You can be a jackass if you want!
First and foremost, this is an expression of you — the good, the bad, the jackass. We wouldn’t be here if we didn’t love all of it!
So POST IT!
San Diego Mommas last blog post..Haunted Love
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Now you’ve got me curious. Post it!
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
I usually err on the side of posting whatever the hell I want, and yes, sometimes that makes me look like a total dildo. But guess what? Sometimes I am a total dildo, and so is everyone else who’s going to judge you for showing your dildo side. Seriously, everyone has something to be a little ashamed of, and I think it’s cool if you can get past that and write about it anyway.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Post it.
If it sucks, we’ll tell you. (hehe, just kidding!)
pgoodnesss last blog post..you can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I say post it. If your instinct is saying it’s that good, I bet it is really good and might even get some good discussion going.
Rachaels last blog post..Haiku Friday: I love my shower
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I say just publish it. If you base your writing on what other people will think, then you’re not writing for yourself anymore. I would imagine that it’s just as good as you think it is. Besides, most husbands (I mean the ones who don’t really “get point of blogs”) really don’t have the best handle on what will or will not be well recieved by the people that DO read you.
I’ll be watching my reader for this one…
August 22nd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
HA! I remember that tweet, and I was wondering if you were ever gonna explain….
I say PUBLISH IT. Do it. Do it. Do it.
By the way, this?
“(What’s a girl gotta do to get a goddamned tickertape parade around here, huh?)”
I am totally putting this on a poster.
maggie, dammits last blog post..You probably won’t see this here again
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:05 pm
You know what, we don’t have ticker tape in England, and this is making me pretty upset.
I think, actually, we do, we just don’t have such a weird name for it. Which happens with a lot of things.
Getting to my actual point, though, I think that you’ve let him win by not posting it! Seriously, I so shouldn’t encourage the rivalry but goddamnit I WILL. Even if it’s weird, I promise I won’t remove you from my feed. Well, unless you are kinda uncool. Because, I’m really sorry, but I just couldn’t be seen with you.
P.S. I’m glad you found someone else from the links thing, and you’re welcome. You regularly make me laugh out loud, and make my family members ask me if everything’s Ok… which can only be a good thing.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Dude….send it to me. Who the hell knows, it might pull me out of this mire I’m in. *lol* And then you’d be all; “well, that was cool, because not only was it a pretty fucking awesome post, but it made Auds smile!”
It’s a possible two-fer dude! You can’t go wrong with that.
Oh, and there’s always the added benefit of getting my mind off of the FUCKING NOT SO AWESOME SNAKE THAT IS LOOSE IN MY HOUSE!
A three-fer!
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Girl, the posts I think are going to offend people or send them to yawnsville are always the ones where the peeps are all ‘You are freaking AWESOME!’
So post the sucker and I will come and spread the ‘YOU ARE FREAKING AWESOME’ love.
Cause I am awesome like that.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Publish it or I’m never reading you again.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Say It
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Now I just really want to read it.
The BDs last blog post..Going for Gold One Ass Cheek at a Time
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
By all that is holy, if you don’t post it now we are all sure to go insane with wondering. It’ll forever be in my mind like the glowing briefcase in Pulp Fiction…WTF was it!!
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Itunes Killed the Radio Star
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Ummm…you still haven’t published it.
So you haven’t helped us at all here.
GET CRACKIN’ WOMAN!!!!!!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Isn’t that frustrating? One of the only times Goat Daddy read my blog happened to be the time I did some injudicious editing and he looked like a total @$$hat so I had to post an addendum. But for the record, I thought it was perfectly clear that there was no explicit challenge; I didn’t think you implied any such thing, nor did I infer it (although I think it’s interesting that he inferred that you implied?)
Whatever, just post the damn thing. Please?
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Pros
August 23rd, 2008 at 7:39 am
This is all just an elaborate scam to keep us coming back to check for this mythical “awesome post” in order to drive your stats up, isn’t it? You are such a stat whore. And here I am, cooperating with this farce. The shame, it burns!
Alias Mothers last blog post..Because apparently my chronic procrastination does not discriminate
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:02 am
Tickertape parade! That’s awesome.
I totally hear you about the No Confidence thing. I once told my DH about my absolutely brilliant plot for my best-seller novel and he was like, um, is there really a market for that? and i was CRUSHED and EVERYTHING and so it is HIS fault that I have not written my great novel yet.
I would ask Auds. She knows these things.
~ms last blog post..T minus one day and counting
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:40 am
Alias Mom got it right but I still love you.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:47 am
I’ve been sitting and waiting since yesterday to see it published in my reader. Dagnabit.
Marias last blog post..Gimmie Gimmie
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:27 am
*whistles all nonchalant-like as he backs away very, very slowly*
Such a wonderfully disturbing post. Freud would’ve loved you. Do you know how much coke your sessions could’ve bought him? (That’s rhetorical, answering means you know the current street value of coke.)
WPoFDs last blog post..Breakfast @ 3500? ASL*
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Publish. Publish. Publish.
(You could get around this WHOLE thing by publishing it on someone else’s blog….*)
*See, even though blond and pretty clueless, Holly sometimes comes up with genius ideas.
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..It rained
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Well, now you totally HAVE to publish it since you’ve told us all about it!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Friday Foto Finish Fiesta ~ FUN
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:53 pm
It’s a booger isn’t it? I had a booger hanging out of my nose during our whole lunch hour didn’t I? Now I’m the paranoid one.
WTF?
Zellmers last blog post..Home safely
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Okay, I was so curious I just followed you on Twitter and went back to our lunch date to figure out what all this fuss was about. I won’t ruin the story so you can tell it, but I was NOT horrified. That’s just the way my face looks. I didn’t think there was anything odd about it at all. I grew up in Texas. It’s a friendly place where we do that thing you’re so worried about doing that wasn’t weird in the slightest bit.
It’s all good.
When are we having lunch again?
Zellmers last blog post..Home safely
August 24th, 2008 at 12:17 am
My husband doesn’t give a shit about my blog, except to forbid me to write about certain topics. He really thinks all you blogpeople are constructs of my imagination, even though he’s had dinner with some of my readers.
I write about verboten topics (see this month’s entry re: Indonesian child) anyway, and he knows it. It’s the one sick little passive-aggressive dance in our marriage that we allow.
Practice saying this: “YOU. ARE NOT. THE BOSS OF MEEEE.”
and
“I do what I want. I’m GROWN.”
My husband, too, is an animal in the sack. This is yet another topic I’ve been told not to blog about, but have in a roundabout way, i.e., the time we were having some hot, haaaaaht Monday afternoon lovin’ and he jumped up to yell at the blinds-open window at our neighbor across the street, “HA! We’re DOING IT, and you’re MOWING YOUR LAWN. I TOTALLY JUST HAD THE SECKS0RS AND AM ABOUT TO HAVE IT AGAIN AND YOU! ARE CUTTING! THE GRAAAAA-AAAAASSSS!” Yeah, how could you not write about shit like that?
Hi. Totally nice to make your acquaintance.
August 24th, 2008 at 8:58 am
I’m kinda new here, and now just dying to read the post you wrote.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Me and my hubs have done this…it was bad. and seriously: from “But, even though I know he’s not into it and doesn’t read other people’s blogs” to “the ticker tape parade,” I was there. I have lived it. It is hilarious on its on blog fodder, but why can’t he just say I’m hilarious and be done with it.
It needs to be a law: husband will laugh at all blog posts and be in awe of wife’s talent.
alexs last blog post..Random Streams of Thoughtciousness