I’m trying to understand why every person in the world* loves Downton Abbey so much but so far I’m drawing a blank. I suppose I’d get some insight if I actually WATCHED Downton Abbey, but what I’m finding is that the more people try to make me feel like a stupid asshole for NOT watching Downton Abbey, the more I think Downton Abbey itself is a stupid asshole — and the more I want all of its terribly sophisticated viewers to suck a nut.The millions of status updates* I see every day about how pretentious amazing and pompous wonderful and gaggy romantic Downton Abbey is have not helped. And really, whatever minor chance there was that I’d EVER want to watch this show was destroyed forever on Super Bowl Sunday, when the TV gods dared to schedule both shows at the same time (cue dramatic soap opera music here) and every single person in the world* seemed to suffer from spontaneous amnesia, suddenly forgetting that technology like TiVO and DVRs and VCRs and computers exist and make it possible to actually record BOTH SHOWS AT ONCE (Gasp! Eureka! What? No! Really? YES!).
Honestly, I haven’t felt this disinclined to watch an overly hyped historical drama since Mad Men.
Look. I understand that you guys love Downton Abbey and I’m happy for you, I really am. It’s good that you’ve found a show you like, something that makes you feel tingly in funny places and gets you Wikipedia-ing things like the Spanish Flu. I’m sure the history is rich and the costumes are stunning and the romance is sweeping… but the way you all keep talking about it makes me feel like a vegan who’s accidentally stumbled into a butcher convention. Stop it! I don’t care how delicious it is — I don’t want your gross meat in my mouth!
(Unless it’s bacon. Mmm bacon.)
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is please everyone stop trying to make me watch Downton Abbey. Unless they add zombies or extraterrestrials or do an episode that’s made entirely of bacon, I’m not watching the show and you can’t make me. And the fact that YOU watch it doesn’t make you any better than me, either. Whether I’m a fan not, I’m still just as smart and sophisticated as you are and that’s a fact.
Now please shut up so I can hear what’s happening on Honey Boo Boo.
*possibly exaggeratedStumble it!