I’m trying to understand why every person in the world* loves Downton Abbey so much but so far I’m drawing a blank. I suppose I’d get some insight if I actually WATCHED Downton Abbey, but what I’m finding is that the more people try to make me feel like a stupid asshole for NOT watching Downton Abbey, the more I think Downton Abbey itself is a stupid asshole — and the more I want all of its terribly sophisticated viewers to suck a nut.The millions of status updates* I see every day about how pretentious amazing and pompous wonderful and gaggy romantic Downton Abbey is have not helped. And really, whatever minor chance there was that I’d EVER want to watch this show was destroyed forever on Super Bowl Sunday, when the TV gods dared to schedule both shows at the same time (cue dramatic soap opera music here) and every single person in the world* seemed to suffer from spontaneous amnesia, suddenly forgetting that technology like TiVO and DVRs and VCRs and computers exist and make it possible to actually record BOTH SHOWS AT ONCE (Gasp! Eureka! What? No! Really? YES!).

HAHAHA yeah that’s not funny.

Honestly, I haven’t felt this disinclined to watch an overly hyped historical drama since Mad Men.

I don’t know who these people are. And I’m okay with that.

Look. I understand that you guys love Downton Abbey and I’m happy for you, I really am. It’s good that you’ve found a show you like, something that makes you feel tingly in funny places and gets you Wikipedia-ing things like the Spanish Flu. I’m sure the history is rich and the costumes are stunning and the romance is sweeping… but the way you all keep talking about it makes me feel like a vegan who’s accidentally stumbled into a butcher convention. Stop it! I don’t care how delicious it is — I don’t want your gross meat in my mouth!

(Unless it’s bacon. Mmm bacon.)

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is please everyone stop trying to make me watch Downton Abbey. Unless they add zombies or extraterrestrials or do an episode that’s made entirely of bacon, I’m not watching the show and you can’t make me. And the fact that YOU watch it doesn’t make you any better than me, either. Whether I’m a fan not, I’m still just as smart and sophisticated as you are and that’s a fact.

Now please shut up so I can hear what’s happening on Honey Boo Boo.

Love,

*possibly exaggerated

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6 Responses to “The More People Try to Make Me Watch Downton Abbey the Less I Want to Watch Downton Abbey”

  1. Watched the first season of DA and got bored. Haven’t watched any since. Tried to watch Mad Men. Did nothing for me. Stopped after 1 1/2 shows. And I don’t see what the big deal about Jon Hamm is. When he was on 30 Rock as Liz Lemon’s impossibly good looking boyfriend, I had no idea who he was and didn’t get the joke.

  2. That’s pretty much the way i feel about all television shows except,of course, football, and old Roy Rogers’ movies, but they aren’t too far behind.

  3. Yeah, I haven’t gotten around to watching Downtown Abby…seems a bit boring…no aliens or explosions? Seriously, I’m a busy man and I need my daily dose of explosions!! But, I don’t watch Honey Boo Boo, because I’m pretty sure it lowers the national IQ!

  4. Feel the same way about ‘Mad Men’. And ‘My Kitchen Rules’. And ‘Masterchef’. And pretty much anything with a kitchen in it really, or a cook. Except they have both of those on DA and I don’t mind that. But they don’t have judges and wanky twenty-somethings masturbating over tarte au gratin. Oh, yeah. There you go, I knew there was a reason I liked DA.

  5. Until recently, I had not heard of Downtown Abbey. I still don’t know what it is, really. I don’t have regular television. I have the Netflix, which I sometimes even get to watch when the small overlords I call “kids” deign to let me have the remote.

    What is a Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like an accident at the doughnut factory…

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  6. Ha…I have not watched a second either and everyone also keeps telling me how awesome it is. I can’t imagine that I would like this show.

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