A while ago Black Hockey Jesus published this post. I was pressed for time when I found it so I read quickly, not really letting the words sink in. I left a comment because I felt I should, not because I had anything of real value to add to the conversation. I vaguely noticed some early unflattering comments and the ensuing comment war they sparked, but didn’t want to get involved and opted for a safe, silly contribution (if you could even call it that). Then I clicked away and forgot about it.
But I didn’t really forget about it. The words DID sink in. I found myself coming back to them again and again. Even now, more than a week later, I still catch myself turning them over in my head, at the most unexpected times. I keep asking myself, “THIS is his angst? Really?”
I’m profoundly touched by BHJ’s unique perspective and the beautiful way in which he expresses it. But I’m also consumed by an unshakable sense of hot, ugly jealousy.
His ability to write deep, gorgeous prose and create a metaphor that perfectly describes how I feel at 11:30 at night, when I should be sleeping and know I’ll struggle to keep my eyes open the next day but still will them to stay open so I can finish that one silly post about boogers – it makes me feel green.
I’m sick with envy at his talent for taking one small moment and turning it into a philosophical, wacked out, acid-trippy analysis of the Big Picture. It makes me feel… well, INSIGNIFICANT.
He’s talking Dostoevsky and Death and Dylan and I’m over here crying about stained bermuda shorts and looking for my keys.
To be fair to myself, I don’t think my true talent lies on the serious, Big Picture side. And even if it did, I wouldn’t change what I’ve got. Over the past 50 posts or so, I’ve developed very definite ideas about what I want The Bean to be (the blog, not the boy), and none of those ideas include serious, deep examinations of life, love, art, religion, politics or anything else. I have strong feelings about all of those things, sure, but The Bean isn’t the place to express them.
No, The Bean is largely “fluff,” and (when I’m not reading BHJ) I’m okay with that. It’s silly, irreverent, rambling, sometimes sweet, always potty-mouthed and usually long-winded. Because that’s who I am. And I embrace that.
Serious scares me. It makes me feel like I’m in over my head. I don’t really want to know what other people think about my opinions on the things that really matter to me. I don’t want to justify those opinions to the people who disagree. And I know I would feel like I had to.
I’d much rather make a fart joke.
But still, I keep thinking about BHJ. He’s only been blogging for 3 months but in that time he’s managed to take the Land O’Blogs by storm and now people everywhere are drooling all over themselves to get his attention. Part of me would kill for that kind of adulation in such a short time, it would be such sweet validation, but at the same time I know it would also scare the shit out of me.
Just looking back on those comments, the ones where people told him he sucked, makes me shake like a bunny. BHJ can take it. I don’t know that I could.
A couple of weeks ago I commented on another one of his posts and said, “Reading this makes me not hate myself for still reading you,” or something like that, and he emailed me directly and asked me (in a surprisingly nice way) what the fuck my problem was. I responded and told him flat out that he was sucking all the air out of the room and I wanted everything he had, including his talent AND his ginormous balls, and that I hated him for that.
And also that I loved him.
I know. I’m so fucked up.
This struggle is not at all unfamiliar. I’m a mess of contradictions and always have been. Since I started The Bean I’ve been engaged in this push-and-pull between the kind of writer I wish I was and the kind of writer I am. I try to forget about any audience and remind myself constantly that It’s Just a Blog. I try to enjoy other blogs for what they are, but still most of the time I compare myself to the really brilliant posts I read and let those feelings of inadequacy seep in. I try not to worry about what anyone else thinks of me, but still find myself tormented over the unknown opinions of friends, family, and online strangers alike.
I made a commitment to myself a while ago to stop giving a shit and just write what I want, for myself. To be who I am without reservation. To be my very own version of cool, instead of trying to fit into someone else’s definition.
Sometimes I’m better at that than others.
Guess how I’m doing now?
————————–
P.S. Hey – Know what? See everything I wrote up there just then? Fuck it. It’s bullshit.
I forgot for a very weak moment that my blog is fucking AWESOME.
I almost deleted the whole post because I thought, “Nobody needs to read this feel-sorry-for-myself drivel,” but then my stepmother reminded me this morning that the whole point of a blog is to write what you’re thinking or feeling or whatever you want. It’s not about what other people think.
The Bean is all about MOI. The good, the bad, the funny. I’ve had a SHIT couple of weeks and you know what? I’ve earned the right to be a little angsty if I want. I’m not gonna apologize for being a hater. I’m just gonna try to do better.
Bottom line? I’m not BHJ, I’m Bejewell, and I fucking rock socks. I’m funny and cute and while BHJ may blow my mind sometimes, I’m still the cat’s meow. And anyone who doesn’t think so can suck balls.
I’m BACK, mothafuckas! Hold on to your hats!
Stumble it!
August 31st, 2008 at 11:12 am
You can’t do this. You have to take a deep breath, and write only the words that you can write. Figure out what it is you have to say that no one else can say. Don’t try to be what you think other people want to read. Be you. Just you. The rest will (continue to) fall into place.
You’re awesome.
maggie, dammits last blog post..Gustav
August 31st, 2008 at 11:20 am
I like your blog the way it is. *shrugs*
August 31st, 2008 at 11:44 am
So just stop reading his blog. Seriously. If you can’t read without the comparison to your own writing, and it causes you that much angst, then just don’t do it anymore.
You know you blog a certain way for a reason, and you do it well. If you were just like BHJ then you wouldn’t be yourself anymore. Please be yourself.
catnips last blog post..10 must read books
August 31st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Yeah, he does the same thing to me. But shit, let’s be honest…so do you!
I’m jealous of how everything you write is fucking awesome! I come to your blog because you make me laugh. You are seriously one of the first blogs I go to when I’m making my rounds every day.
I love BHJ too, but I can’t read him every day. I need to be in the right mood to read him.
Don’t even think about changing, damnit!
Kristines last blog post..From my guest blogger – MIL from hell?!?
August 31st, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I agree with the others. You have your own voice – and I actually prefer reading your blog to reading Black Hockey Jesus. Not that I’m trying to criticize him, I just think everyone is drawn to different things. Just because it seems like one blog is getting more attention than others, doesn’t mean that it’s actually better. I’ve found that half of the sites everyone raves about don’t really do anything for me.
And of course I fall into the comparison trap every once in a while – so I’d be a hypocrite to fault you for that. In fact – I think I may have even compared myself to you! I know that I’ve thought, “wow – she’s only be doing this since January, has only written 50 posts AND has this much of a following?” Then I think about how I’ve written over 50 posts in two months (most of which required a great deal of thought and effort), and I wonder if it’s worth it – if anyone is listening. But I know that at least a few are – and I just focus on the encouragement I get from them and feel good about myself again.
Okay – I’ve totally derailed, but I’m going to have to leave it at that since a naked 3 year old has finished going potty and seems to require my attention…
Keep it up – I’m still reading!
Kates last blog post..Nie Nie Silent Auction Update
August 31st, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Ah, I have permanent blog-envy, and you know who I envy most of all? YOU. Damnit, I think it just goes in circles.
And I’d prefer you told a fart joke, too.
Razs last blog post..Off The Rails
August 31st, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Hi Bean:
Not sure if I’ve commented before but I do check in periodically. I understand you totally. I’ve had my blog for a year. My voice has changed over time, the blog name has changed, I’ve tinkered with all kinds of things, trying for — what? Traffic? Validation? I’m up and down all the time about what I’m trying to accomplish.
If nothing else, I tell myself I ‘m doing it for me. People will either like it or not. All I have to do is just be me.
You seem very genuine and likable as you are. Keep up what you are doing.
–MomZombie
MomZombies last blog post..Spin wheel, spin
August 31st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Oops, I called you Bean, but you are not the Bean. You are Bejewell.
Sorry about that.
–MomZombie
MomZombies last blog post..Spin wheel, spin
August 31st, 2008 at 1:40 pm
I love your blog just the way it is. Don’t change a thing. Yes, I read BHJ too, but always AFTER a visit to your site – and I agree with Kristine – I have to be in a philosophical mood for him. To enjoy your blog, I just gotta be me
August 31st, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I wrote post about Moobs and I did a movie review this week. Talk to me later about not knowing what the hell you’re writing about.
And validation? That’s gotta be the wrong way to approach this thing. And I know it’s gotta be the wrong way to approach this thing because it’s precisely the way I do approach this thing, and I’m bound to be wrong. Because I just keep trying to get the moms to throw their mom jeans at me up on the lame stage I’ve set up at the cul-de-sac party, but I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do with all of that denim.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..The Moobs List
August 31st, 2008 at 2:35 pm
See, now you know how I feel when I read *your* blog.
*sigh*
threeundertwos last blog post..Step Away From the Laptop
August 31st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
You DO rock socks. And I like your version of cool.
all things bds last blog post..Fashion Tuesd… Er, Fashion Thursday
August 31st, 2008 at 4:45 pm
It’ll never change – there’s always some hot new blogger out there hogging all the oxygen! You’re doing great, just relax!
sparxs last blog post..…this little piggy
August 31st, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I find your blog entertaining, impressive, and very witty! I have the same feelings about my blog sometimes, but hubby always reminds me of the what and why. I find more motivation and just keep doing what I’m doing. Sometimes I wish I had the impact and readership that others do, but then I realize that even a small blog is having its own impact…even if it is with just a few readers!
I’m a new reader and I’m glad your back!
Christinas last blog post..another word about scarecrows (with some photos for kicks)
August 31st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
You are such a delicious mess. I love it. And I love that you wrote it and didn’t delete it. We’re all a mess but it takes a special person to be a DELICIOUS mess.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:59 pm
You are SOOOOO in for the mother of all emails! Didn’t we JUST cover this the other day in like the 112th email that went back and forth? *lol*
I can’t elaborate much on what the others have said, most especially Maggie Dammit, which is ironic because she is one of BHJ’s current hot bloggers, as well she should be, she’s got loads of talent and her own voice is dynamic.
But listen…this shit never ends if you let it keep eating you. I have two books in the works, one set to FINALLY publish in the spring (I think), and I’m still not happy because I am CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other bloggers (well OK and the fucking depression thing probably plays a part in all that as well). And ya know what, they have their own lives, voices and goals. Just because they might get more comments, or may have shot into the stratosphere after blogging a mere three months, that doesn’t mean jack shit as it relates to my own voice and the people I resonate with.
It’s a nasty, mean as hell, vicious cycle – the whole, “in order to be taken seriously as a writer, I need to be a popular blogger” theme that is so pervasive out there today. And that m’dear is what it all boils down to. Somewhere, someone got this huge bug up their butt about their popularity in the blogosphere directly correlating with their strength as a writer. They think if they are a popular blogger, they are naturally a gifted writer and if they are a gifted writer they will naturally be the toast of BlogHer and be featured on CNN/MSNBC/The Today Show, etc. NOT THE CASE AT ALL.
Hell, some people don’t even want to write a book, or have the accolades that come with being published by one of the big houses. They just want to be an uber-blogger perceived as one of the mythical and elusive “A-List” bloggers. Well, riddle me this Bat Man…who deems who an “A-List” blogger? There are those who think BHJ, Pioneer Woman and even Dooce are *THE* A-list bloggers (amongst others) and there are some, who when asked about the above, say; “Meh, they aren’t so hot, not like The Bloggess, or Bossy….”
Popularity in the blogging communinty is a fleeting thing sweetie. What’s going to bring people back, is your content. And you m’dear, not only have fucking awesome content that is easily relatable, but your personality – more importantly your voice, comes through clearly in each and every word you write.
And you are correct dahlink! You are NOT BHJ! You are wholly an entity unto yourself and those who adore you, adore you for YOU and not for being the perceived flavour of the moment.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:17 am
I think we just saw your multiple personalities make their debut in their very first post together!
You rock MY socks. So glad to see the confident Bejewell back on the scene.
Mamaspheres last blog post..Watermelon Baby
September 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
You’ve gotten a ton of great words up there from people who love reading YOU, and you yourself have already said you rock, so me adding to this may be unnecessary, but I have to say you totally do rock, and even though I’m new here, I thought you were awesome from the first post I read. You have our own voice. It may tweak over the life of your blog, but it comes back to being your own voice and that’s why we’re here. I’ve been doing this for nearly two years. I have probably altered my approach a variety of times during that time, and I’d totally be lying if I said the allure of attracting readers wasn’t strong, but I just like to write. I also like to get the words out of my head so it’s quiet for a little bit. That’s all I can deal with.
You’re doing well. That’s all it needs to be!
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Yep. What they said.
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommys last blog post..Weekend Events 8/29 – 9/1
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Serious scares me as well. I rarely write in a serious tone. And that is ok. I have posts of very serious honesty. Just like you have here.
It’s all good, and good for getting back into the groove. Blogging is totally cycle driven.
Loralees last blog post..Letting down my state one craft project at a time
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
You’re a wonderful blogger, don’t let anyone let you feel otherwise, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah……You don’t need to hear that. You know that already.
I’ve felt that way myself and I know where you’re coming from.
Been there, done that.
Write for yourself. Enjoy what you’ve written. Be proud of it.
Emilys last blog post..Happy Third Birthday, Katrina! Part 5
September 7th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
BHJ makes me feel unfit to write my own name. (I think I left that in a comment once) I had to stop reading him for a moment because I didn’t enjoy feeling like a retard on a daily. I’ve decided all I can do is admire him for what he does, and do what I do… waste my time.
threeboys1mommys last blog post..What if…
September 8th, 2008 at 9:52 am
I get like this sometimes. I think I’m a fairly good writer, and then I read a post somewhere that makes me drool. Maggie does that to me. And there are others. I see they have a new post in my reader and I put off reading it for a time. As though going there will hurt somehow.
But I’m learning to enjoy the writings of others more these days. I think one of the reasons I wait to read the good blogs is because I want to take time to savor them and give them the attention they deserve. It takes work to write, and they deserve my attention and considerate readership.
So it goes both ways. I am inspired and embarrassed . . .
You are a good writer. You are you, and I’m liking what I’m reading . . .
B
tysdaddys last blog post..Tentative
September 24th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
I think your writing is great, thoughtful, witty, and funny as hell.
That is all.
Daddy Dans last blog post..Daddy Dan Interviews…..Dorky Dad
August 12th, 2010 at 9:23 am
Can’t be said much better. After reading this entry it hit me that my roommate was just like this! He never stopped kept talking about this kind of stuff. I will forward this article to him. I’m pretty sure he will love it. Thanks once again for showing this.