Before:

Sure, I’ll have some pot! What could possibly go wrong?

After:

Wow, I probably shouldn’t have smoked that pot.

Oh, dear. I think I might have had too much pot.

Wait, you can’t have “too much pot”! That’s ridiculous! People don’t overdose from pot!

Pot. Pot. Pooooooooooootttttt. Potty Potty POT!

(ducking) SHITWHAT’STHATNOISE??!? Are we being attacked??!? Terrorism!

Oh, it was just the drum intro. Haha whoops

Okay, you can definitely have too much pot. Definitely.

Where is Axl? What are they playing? I don’t know this. Axl’s not here? They’re not playing the Axl songs? What the fuck is this WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME

Wow, I’m stoned. Like, a lot a lot a lottttttt-tuh-tuh-tuhhhhh

Is everyone staring at me? STOP JUDGING ME

Everything about this was a bad idea.

OY THIS CONCERT IS SO LOUD. Why is it so loud? SO LOUD

Why am I so slouchy? When did I get such bad posture? I used to have the best posture. God I’m old.

Can you be too old for pot? If you can, I am. Wait, no you can’t! Willie Nelson is like 112 and he smokes like every day. OHMYGOD I’M OLDER THAN WILLIE NELSON. Maybe not chronologically, but definitely in my heart right now.

Hey, Hawaiian Shirt Guy, what’re YOU looking at? Eyes front, fella, mind your own! You’re here to see Slash and his weird band of people who aren’t Guns ‘n Roses. Not some dried up, weird old lady strung out on pot.

Should I dance? I feel like I should dance. Everyone else is dancing. Is it conspicuous that I’m not dancing? Yes. I should dance. I’ll dance.

Jesus, when did I get so bad at dancing? I need to stop. I’m like 14 unreasonably long octopus arms attached to two awkward, stumpy pig legs. I’m really just insulting Slash, at this point. And myself.

Huh. Now I can’t feel my feet. That can’t be good.

Hawaiian Shirt Guy is staring again. I’ll stick my tongue out at him, I bet he stops. There, that’ll teach him. Wait, now he’s really staring. He really wasn’t staring before, I guess. Whoops.

Why is everyone so tall? I can’t see anything except this dude in front of me, with the Curly Sue hair.

I need to touch the Curly Sue hair. NEED TO. Will he notice? Nah. Okay. Be cool, Beej. Just a quick touch so he doesn’t feel it.

(rubbing fingers through strange man’s hair) This is so fun! I am so creepy.

I want to jump on his back and ride him like a horse, holding his soft Curly Sue curls in ponytails like reins.

IT’S SO SOFFFFFFT, I JUST WANT TO RUB MY FACE ON IT, WILL HE KNOW? (rubs face in strange man’s hair) OH SHIT HE KNOWS ABORT ABORT

(drops hair, looks around innocently)

Why’s everyone wearing top hats? What a weirdly random fashion choice.

OH WAIT RIGHT

Why am I at this concert? I don’t even really like Slash.

Wow, this is a really long guitar solo. Like, uncomfortably long. Loooooooooooong.

I’m bored.

I wonder what Axl Rose is doing right now.

I hate the way Axl Rose spells his name. Actually, I just hate Axl Rose in general.

That wasn’t very nice of me, maybe Axl Rose is a very nice person. I need to stop being so judgmental. I’m a terrible person. I really need to work on myself.

Holy shit, is Slash still playing that same solo? My god, man!

Man, someone who gets migraines would be so fucked right now.

I guess these songs are okay but I do kind of wish this was some other kind of music being played by some other band.

Oh, great, the Young Skinny Slutty Girls have arrived to make me feel even shittier! Yes, please post up right there in front of me, young ladies, where I can enjoy watching you dance better than me in skirts shorter than anything I’ve ever worn, in heels I could never wear because bunions. What a pleasure.

Oh, good, here they go with the hair-flippy, twerky dancing now. And that one’s boyfriend has his hand down her skirt. Awesome.

Where are these children’s parents?

Hey, Young Skinny Cute Girls, know what? Someday you’ll be old and haggard and unable to hold your pot, like me. I look forward to that day.

OKAY, SLASH, WE GET IT. You’re, like, the best guitarist ever and can do a guitar solo for, like, a really long time. Congratulations on that.

I’m tired.

UGH MORE SOLO

Hawaiian Shirt Guy is judging me again. What an asshole. Who wears a Hawaiian shirt to a SLASH concert, anyway? Nosy fuckers, that’s who.

I have to pee.

I want to go home.

I bet Slash hates wearing that fucking hat. He must be so over it by now.

Know what I’m over? This fucking concert.

Can we go home yet?

I’m not driving.

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One Response to “My Inner Dialogue Before and After Smoking Copious Amounts of Pot at the Slash Concert”

  1. Late to this party but hey, you know what they taught me at ‘Drugproof Your kids’? They taught me that pot is not what it used to be. No way. Uh-uh. Waaaaaaaay stronger. So maybe it’s not your age that is indicated by your inability to hold your pot?
    And what on earth inspired you to attend a Slash concert anyway??
    Cheers from the Antipodes

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