HONEY WAKE UP I NEED YOU
HONEY WAKE UP RIGHT NOW
THERE’S A MOUSE GODDAMMIT COME ON
[Big Bean pulls covers off my head]
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME CATCH THE MOUSE
Mmm k gimme a minute
NOW, HONEY. GET UP, HONEY
Ok ok I’m up whatsa mouse what?
THERE’S A FUCKING MOUSE IN THE WINE COOLER WE HAVE TO GET IT
IT’S IN THE WINE COOLER
What’s it doing in the wine cooler?
ENJOYING A NICE CHARDONNAY, THE HELL DO YOU THINK IT’S DOING
Why don’t the cats get it?
BECAUSE OUR CATS ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS
They are not! Take that back!!
THEY’RE WORTHLESS AND YOU KNOW IT. B-DUBS STOPPED HUNTING SHIT THE MINUTE HE FOUND US SUCKERS AND ANDY DOES NOTHING BUT LICK HIMSELF ALL DAY
Ugh, fair enough
NOW YOU GET THE BROOM AND I’LL HOLD THIS TOWEL AND SHAKE THE COOLER TO MAKE THE MOUSE MOVE, THEN TOGETHER WE WILL DIRECT IT OUT THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR
JUST DO IT
But that doesn’t seem like a very goo–
[mouse runs out like a speed freak, goes in exact opposite direction of sliding glass door]
[Big Bean screams like a woman]
[I laugh and scream at the same time]
[mouse freaks out and hides in bookshelf]
DAMMIT!!! IT’S BEHIND THE CRAZY SUNBURNED DRUNK SOMBRERO PICTURE
[terrified mouse pokes his head out from behind crazy sombreros]
[B-Dubs watches casually from couch]
DAMMIT WE NEED TO GET THIS MOUSE
[we stare at mouse]
Oh my gosh look at him!! He is SOOO cute!!!!
Hi, little mousy! It’s okay, little mousy!
[Big Bean grabs broom and pokes at sweet little mousy]
Stop it!! You’ll scare him!!
I’M GONNA DO A FUCKOFALOT MORE THAN SCARE THAT LITTLE BASTARD
You stop it this instant!
[Big Bean pokes at it again]
Do not hurt that mouse!
[We both scream]
[Mouse scurries up three shelves with lightning speed]
[We both jump]
[Mouse disappears into kitchen]
GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER SHIT FUCKING SHIT
[Andy wanders in]
ANDY DAMMIT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
[Big Bean grabs him with non-broom hand and plants him in the middle of the kitchen floor]
[we stare at Andy]
[Andy does nothing]
GET THE MOUSE ANDY
ANDY GET THE MOUSE
[Andy licks himself]
The next day, at Walmart…
WE HAVE TO GET MOUSE TRAPS
Okay but they have to be humane traps
FUCK THAT, I’M GONNA ZAP THAT LITTLE BASTARD
Don’t you even think about it!
WE CANNOT HAVE A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE
Oh look, here’s a peanut butter trap!
WE’RE NOT GETTING A PEANUT BUTTER TRAP
Let’s catch the mousy and make it our pet!
[Little Bean: I want a pet mousy!]
WE CAN’T HAVE A MOUSE AS A PET
[Little Bean: Yes we can!]
WE CAN’T HAVE CATS AND A MOUSE
We can with our cats
[Little Bean: All Andy ever does is lick himself]
I’M KILLING THE MOUSE
IT KEEPS EATING MY BANANAS
You always let them go brown anyway!
WE HAVE TO KILL THE MOUSE
What should we name it?
[Little Bean: I like Mike!]
Mike is great! Mike the mouse!
YOU CANNOT KEEP THE MOUSE, HONEY
You’re not going to kill the mouse, honey
Midnight, 3 weeks later… peanut butter traps still intact…
HONEY WAKE UP
HONEY I NEED YOU
THE MOUSE IS BACK
mmmmrrrr Mousy where?
BEHIND THE CABINET IT’S MAKING NOISES
Okay I’ll get up but we need a better plan than last time
HANG ON I’VE GOT IT
[Goes to garage and comes back with giant cardboard]
OKAY, I’LL PULL THE CABINET OUT AND YOU POKE AT IT WITH THE BROOM WHILE I USE THIS LARGE CARDBOARD TO FORCIBLY DIRECT IT OUT THE DOOR
Ummm… that doesn’t seem like a very goo-
[Shakes cabinet, mouse jumps out, ignores cardboard, speeds in exact opposite direction of the sliding glass door]
[B-Dubs watches, bored again]
GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER FUCKING SHIT GODDAMN!!
[We watch helplessly as mouse disappears into kitchen]
[We stare at kitchen]
FUCK THIS MOUSE AND FUCK THESE CATS AND FUCK EVERYTHING
[Defeated, Big Bean returns giant cardboard to garage]
[I push cabinet back in place]
[Second mouse jumps out]
[Second mouse runs past me with the speed of a thousand demons]
Honey!! Another one! Another one! Mike has a wife!!!
[Big Bean runs back in, hair crazy, wearing boxer shorts]
WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT
[Second mouse disappears like a ghost into kitchen]
Wife Mouse went into the kitchen! Now there are two in the kitchen!!
[We stare helplessly at kitchen]
Well, at least they have each other
[Big Bean blinks]
[Andy saunters in]
ANDY YOU SUCK
Andy you suck
[Andy licks himself]
To be continued… unless the mice take over and eat our faces while we’re sleeping…
(DUN DUN DUN)