Bejewell on October 20th, 2016

HONEY WAKE UP I NEED YOU

Hmrphmrph

HONEY WAKE UP RIGHT NOW

zzzzz

THERE’S A MOUSE GODDAMMIT COME ON


[Big Bean pulls covers off my head]

YOU HAVE TO HELP ME CATCH THE MOUSE

Mmm k gimme a minute

NOW, HONEY. GET UP, HONEY

Ok ok I’m up whatsa mouse what?

THERE’S A FUCKING MOUSE IN THE WINE COOLER WE HAVE TO GET IT

Wha?

IT’S IN THE WINE COOLER

What’s it doing in the wine cooler?

ENJOYING A NICE CHARDONNAY, THE HELL DO YOU THINK IT’S DOING

Sheesh ok

Why don’t the cats get it?

BECAUSE OUR CATS ARE FUCKING WORTHLESS

They are not! Take that back!!

THEY’RE WORTHLESS AND YOU KNOW IT. B-DUBS STOPPED HUNTING SHIT THE MINUTE HE FOUND US SUCKERS AND ANDY DOES NOTHING BUT LICK HIMSELF ALL DAY

Ugh, fair enough

NOW YOU GET THE BROOM AND I’LL HOLD THIS TOWEL AND SHAKE THE COOLER TO MAKE THE MOUSE MOVE, THEN TOGETHER WE WILL DIRECT IT OUT THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR

Umm… what?

JUST DO IT

But that doesn’t seem like a very goo–

ONETWOTHREEGO!!!

[shakes cooler]

[mouse runs out like a speed freak, goes in exact opposite direction of sliding glass door]


[Big Bean screams like a woman]

[I laugh and scream at the same time]

[mouse freaks out and hides in bookshelf]

DAMMIT!!! IT’S BEHIND THE CRAZY SUNBURNED DRUNK SOMBRERO PICTURE


[terrified mouse pokes his head out from behind crazy sombreros]

[B-Dubs watches casually from couch]


DAMMIT WE NEED TO GET THIS MOUSE

[we stare at mouse]

Oh my gosh look at him!! He is SOOO cute!!!!

Hi, little mousy! It’s okay, little mousy!

GODDAMMIT

[Big Bean grabs broom and pokes at sweet little mousy]

Stop it!! You’ll scare him!!

I’M GONNA DO A FUCKOFALOT MORE THAN SCARE THAT LITTLE BASTARD

You stop it this instant!

[Big Bean pokes at it again]

[I scream]

Do not hurt that mouse!

[Mouse moves]

[We both scream]

[Mouse scurries up three shelves with lightning speed]


[We both jump]

[Mouse disappears into kitchen]

GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER SHIT FUCKING SHIT

[Andy wanders in]

ANDY DAMMIT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

[Big Bean grabs him with non-broom hand and plants him in the middle of the kitchen floor]

[we stare at Andy]

[Andy does nothing]

GET THE MOUSE ANDY

ANDY GET THE MOUSE

[Andy licks himself]


The next day, at Walmart…

WE HAVE TO GET MOUSE TRAPS

Okay but they have to be humane traps

FUCK THAT, I’M GONNA ZAP THAT LITTLE BASTARD

Don’t you even think about it!

WE CANNOT HAVE A MOUSE IN THE HOUSE

Oh look, here’s a peanut butter trap!

WE’RE NOT GETTING A PEANUT BUTTER TRAP

Let’s catch the mousy and make it our pet!

[Little Bean: I want a pet mousy!]

WE CAN’T HAVE A MOUSE AS A PET

[Little Bean: Yes we can!]

WE CAN’T HAVE CATS AND A MOUSE

We can with our cats

[Little Bean: All Andy ever does is lick himself]

I’M KILLING THE MOUSE

IT KEEPS EATING MY BANANAS

You always let them go brown anyway!

WE HAVE TO KILL THE MOUSE

What should we name it?

[Little Bean: I like Mike!]

Mike is great! Mike the mouse!

YOU CANNOT KEEP THE MOUSE, HONEY

You’re not going to kill the mouse, honey

Midnight, 3 weeks later… peanut butter traps still intact…

HONEY

Mmmmrmph

HONEY WAKE UP

zzzzz

HONEY I NEED YOU

THE MOUSE IS BACK

mmmmrrrr Mousy where?

BEHIND THE CABINET IT’S MAKING NOISES

Okay I’ll get up but we need a better plan than last time

HANG ON I’VE GOT IT

[Goes to garage and comes back with giant cardboard]

OKAY, I’LL PULL THE CABINET OUT AND YOU POKE AT IT WITH THE BROOM WHILE I USE THIS LARGE CARDBOARD TO FORCIBLY DIRECT IT OUT THE DOOR

Ummm… that doesn’t seem like a very goo-

ONETWOTHREEGO!!

[Shakes cabinet, mouse jumps out, ignores cardboard, speeds in exact opposite direction of the sliding glass door]


[We scream]

[B-Dubs watches, bored again]


GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER FUCKING SHIT GODDAMN!!

[We watch helplessly as mouse disappears into kitchen]

[We stare at kitchen]

FUCK THIS MOUSE AND FUCK THESE CATS AND FUCK EVERYTHING

[Defeated, Big Bean returns giant cardboard to garage]

[I push cabinet back in place]

[Second mouse jumps out]

[I scream]

[Second mouse runs past me with the speed of a thousand demons]

Honey!! Another one! Another one! Mike has a wife!!!

[Big Bean runs back in, hair crazy, wearing boxer shorts]

WHERE IS IT WHERE IS IT

[Second mouse disappears like a ghost into kitchen]

Wife Mouse went into the kitchen! Now there are two in the kitchen!!

[We stare helplessly at kitchen]

[silence]

Well, at least they have each other

[Big Bean blinks]

[Andy saunters in]

ANDY YOU SUCK
Andy you suck

[Andy licks himself]


To be continued… unless the mice take over and eat our faces while we’re sleeping…


STAY TUNED

(DUN DUN DUN)

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One Response to “Catching Mice”

  1. Fuck peanut butter traps. My colleague and I sat in our country school house in the middle of nowhere in country Australia, watching mice sitting and licking the peanut butter off the traps and giving us the thumbs up for the thoughtful gift. On another morning, I bumped the plastic ice cream container full of sugar near our kettle…and four mice ran out through a hole they had gnawed in the side of the tub! In our modern mouse proof house we sat watching telly, wondering what the strange quiet, background grinding noise was. Turns out the Mickeys were trying to gnaw their way into the house form the roof space, via the plastic exhaust fan in the kitchen! No mercy. Lay Ratsak. Only down side is you have to find the little bastards after they die and start stinking out your photocopier. (Seriously, two frazzled inside the motherboard).
    Feeling your frustration.

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