ME: Sweetie, please stop chewing on the vaccum cleaner attachment and come over here. Mommy wants to talk to you. Now listen, I love you with all of my heart, but there are a few things we need to talk about. Okay?
BEAN: (blank stare)
ME: Daddy and I have been talking and we both agree that it’s time to start making you more aware of the consequences of some of your—
BEAN: Daddeeee!
ME: No, I’m MOMMY. MOOOMMMMYYY. MA MA. Right? Can you say “MA MA”?
BEAN: Daddeee!
ME: Screw it. Look, we just need to talk about some of these things that yo—
No, wait, I just FOLDED that laundry, please don’t—
Shit. Okay.
(Refolding laundry) What I was saying, sweetie, is that you need to learn that some things are just NOT okay.
BEAN: (climbing on chair)
ME: Please do not climb on the chair, sweetie, that is dangerous.
BEAN: (climbing from chair into laundry basket where puppy is laying on warm laundry and trying to hide)
ME: Please don’t sit on the puppy. Little Bean, I’m serious. DO NOT SIT ON THE PUPPY.
BEAN: (smiles at me and sits on puppy)
ME: (removing child from puppy) I said, DO NOT sit on the puppy! Why are you so mean to that puppy? That puppy has never been anything but sweet and nice to—
BEAN: (squirming) Waaaaah!
ME: Now, as I was saying, we need to talk about how you—
No no no no!! No poking the puppy in the eyes! How would you feel if I poked YOU in the eyes? Not very good, right?
(removing child again from puppy) See, this is what I’m trying to tell you. Poking the puppy in the eyes and sitting on him are NOT OKAY. He is a very sweet puppy and he loves it when you pet him and give him kisses, but nobody likes having things poked in their eyes or sitting on the—
BEAN: Babababababa ba ba ba BA BA BA! (burps)
ME: Also, I really think it’s time for you to stop—
BEAN: (Ear-piercing, earth-shattering scream)
ME: Yes, that. Exactly THAT. The screaming thing.
Look, we are all very proud of you for discovering this new sound you can make. I know you’re excited about it and want to show everyone how well you can do it. But when I’m holding you and you are right in my—
OhmyGod what are you doing?!?! How did you climb up there so fast? My head couldn’t have been turned for longer than 30 sec—
(racing to get child off of dining room table, carrying child into living room)
Ow! No biting! That HURTS!
(Prying shoulder skin out of child’s clenched jaw)
Ooooow! DON’T! BITE! MOMMY! Do you hear me?
BEAN: (smiling) Heh. Heh. Hee hee hee hee!!!
ME: Anyway, what I was was saying was that when I’m holding you and you scream directly into my ear, it makes me feel like I might never regain my hearing again. And that’s a little scary for Mommy because Mommy’s not exactly getting any youn—
BEAN: (Ear-piercing, earth shattering scream)
ME: AAACCH! YES THAT!
Anyway what I was saying is that it’s also very embarassing when we’re at the grocery store and you scream at the top of your lungs for no reason. NOBODY LIKES THAT BUT YOU. Mommy and Daddy always swore we would never be THOSE people, but now we are. We used to be the ones GIVING the dirty looks – now we’re the ones receiving them. And you don’t really want to be THAT kid, do—
BEAN: (Ear-piercing, earth shattering scream)
ME: Also, can we talk about the squirmy diaper thing? When I am trying to change your diaper I would really appreciate it if you would stop squirming for NO REASON and just be still so I can get a clean diaper on you. I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU.
BEAN: (climbing on couch) Daddeeeeeee! Hee hee heeeeeeee!
ME: A clean diaper is a GOOD THING. And the more you squirm, the longer it will ta—
Please don’t jump on the couch.
BEAN: (jumping on the couch) Daaaaaaaadeeee! Weeeee!!
ME: PLEASE DO NOT JUMP ON THE COUCH. That can be dangerous, you know, you could fall off and—
BEAN: (falls off couch) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! Wah wah wah waaaaah!
ME: (racing to pick up Bean in record time and holding him tightly) Oh, no! Honey, are you okay?!?! Are you all right? Let me see. I’m so sorry that happened! We can talk about all of this later.
BEAN: (just fine, smiling) Heh!
ME: (still squeezing) I love you, baby. Everything’s gonna be okay.
BEAN: (farts)
Stumble it!
Tags: folding laundry
August 31st, 2008 at 9:34 pm
FIRST!
LMAO. Have always wanted to say that.
Now to go back and read the rest.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:35 pm
*lol* But look at how fucking cute he is??? I mean come oonnnn. Let the screaming slide.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Alright, first things first, tell him that vacuum cleaners are DANGEROUS EVIL things and he must stay away from them!
Second…you are going to have this conversation, in some form or other, at least eleventy billion times over the next 17 years. The only difference in response will be the change from biting you and screaming to eye rolling and telling you he already knows all this.
Good luck. I will send valium. Lots.
Audss last blog post..Change
August 31st, 2008 at 9:49 pm
so great that you captured this because these are the stories of a lifetime…
marlas last blog post..kissess…
August 31st, 2008 at 10:47 pm
But he is so awesomely adorable while he is doing it!
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Getting in Touch With His GLAMOUR-ous Side
August 31st, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Ah, yes, we’re at the exact same stage. Clean diapers, good, yes, squirming always. Climbing lightning fast. Biting for no reason. And the screaming, I hear it in my dreams, like it’s blowing out your ear drum. I feel your pain my friend.
Danas last blog post..Giveaway!!!!
September 1st, 2008 at 12:34 am
I’m still waiting for my daughter to call me Mama instead of Daddeeeeeee! 14 months and counting. I hear you.
Erins last blog post..Moving Day
September 1st, 2008 at 1:55 am
ohhhhhhh that face.
flutters last blog post..I want my mommy!
September 1st, 2008 at 2:59 am
The puppy, in the picture, looks resigned to his fate. Poor dog.
I don’t think I could ever tell off a being with those eyes, or that hair. Hmm, discipline isn’t going to be a strong point for me, is it?
Razs last blog post..Off The Rails
September 1st, 2008 at 4:27 am
Sounds like conversations with my husband. But just the first and last lines…
September 1st, 2008 at 9:01 am
Who’s worse, the kid who sits on the puppy, or the mom who runs and gets the camera to take a picture of it?
So hilarious.
threeundertwos last blog post..Unplugged Saturday Recap
September 1st, 2008 at 9:47 am
Now imagine having two of those. One squirming while you try to change him and the other running as fast as she can away from you every time you try to change her.
Zellmers last blog post..The Random, Unexplainable, Super Annoying Night From Hell
September 1st, 2008 at 11:07 am
That is exactly how my husband talks to the kids. I sit in the background and giggle.
Christinas last blog post..The UNspectacular of me
September 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
That’s awesome. If you multiply that by seven (all boys), you’ll understand why my (single) mother drinks…heavily.
Can I share one? Among my favorite mother-to-son conversation about decorum (between my sister-in-law and my nephew) is this very nonchalantly delivered one-liner: “Matthew, don’t put your finger up the doggie’s heiny.”
WPoFDs last blog post..I’m Going to Save Your Friday
September 1st, 2008 at 12:31 pm
The puppy looks as though he’s simply resigned himself to his fate!
My boys are 11 and 6. I’m still trying to have this conversation with them…
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 am
That is hilarious… I know exactly how that feels. I nanny for a 1 yr old and she squirms when you try to change her, screams for no reason, pulls hair, climbs onto things and then falls and hurts herself, throws around the laundry i JUST folded, etc, etc.
It’s amazing how annoying they can but but we still find them adorable.
Jesss last blog post..That sounds like something an octopus would say!
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:21 am
Like a window into my world. But funny when it’s happening to someone else!
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Sarah Palin Looks Like Me!
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:43 am
Your boy is totally awesome. Here’s what I want to know: is that orange residue on the Bean’s adorable little mouth:
a) Cheeto powder stain?
b) Goldfish powder stain?
c) Macaroni & cheese stain?
d) Some combination of all of the above
WaltzInExiles last blog post..And Now For Something Completely Different
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:44 pm
We had the “I am your mother and you will not speak to me that way!” talk over the weekend. He’s 5. Good times…
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:26 pm
well, it sounds like you had a good conversation. You feel like you got it off your chest and he didn’t get it but had fun. All is good. More or less the same happens to me every.single.day. But when they are so cute, there’s no way to stay mad, right?
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
PAH!
Guess he got the last word, huh?
maggie, dammits last blog post..Gustav
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Now that is soooo cute. I remember those type of conversations. Kinda one sided. Loved this. It was as you promised, awesome.
September 4th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
LOL. Ah, I remember that age well. I think I had that EXACT same conversation with each of my sons.
pgoodnesss last blog post..Off to school!