So the other day my old buddy ~m from Dreams, You Got It, Happy posted this about how clumsy she is. I read it and laughed at her pain because, come on, other people’s pain is funny, and then I told her that she was not the only one, which is totally true. I am just as bad, if not worse, and I’ve got the broken bones to prove it.
The story I told her was how I broke two toes back in April because I fought the law, and the law won. But actually the “law” in this case was my back porch step. And I didn’t “fight” it so much as step on it halfways so my two middle toes were split across it and then put ALL of my weight on it so I could be ABSOLUTELY SURE that they were broken.
(Now that I think about it, “my two middle toes” is actually a misnomer. Because I have an odd number of toes, and therefore only have one middle toe. If I had lost a toe in some kind of hunting accident or something, I would then have “two middle toes.” Let’s just call them the little piggies that stayed home and had roast beef.)
(Also, I should clarify that I’m not actually sure how one would lose a toe in a hunting accident, I’ve never been hunting. But then, I’m not really sure how one would lose a toe in any situation. I have yet to find myself in a situation where I thought, “Wow, I’d better be really careful here, or I could lose a toe.”. Break one, yes. Lose one – as in cut off, adios dedo, not on your foot anymore – no.)
Also, this was all done with a cell phone to my ear, and would you believe me if I said that I never skipped a beat and the person on the other line had no idea I had just broken two toes? Well, believe it. I’m saying it. Because it’s true. I’m a phone etiquette nazi and refuse to take call waiting when I’m on the phone with someone because I think it’s rude — so why should my broken toes be any different? I AM SUCH A GOOD PHONE TALKER!
Anyway, this all got me thinking about what an unbelievable klutz I am and how many things I’ve run into, fallen off of, tripped over, spilled, spit on or dropped over the years. It is A LOT. Like, too many to count. It’s kind of amazing that I’m still alive at this point. I must say, I’ve become something of an expert in the arena of klutziness.
The worst falls are the ones I take in front of other people, not just because the fall’s embarrassing but because I have this bizarre reaction to things like that where I laugh awkwardly and then follow it up with some kind of weird noise that is completely inappropriate to the situation. Like one time when I was still at UT, I was coming down the stairs from the library into the main hall, where there were of course TONS OF PEOPLE (because really, what’s the point unless there are TONS OF PEOPLE to witness your humiliation?) and I tripped and fell DOWN the stairs. In a short blue jean skirt and UGG boots, no less. (I thought I looked SO CUTE in that outfit, but it turns out it’s very hard to look cute while taking a header down a flight of stairs with a crowd of people watching and your underwear showing.)
So I very unceremoniously landed at the bottom of the stairs, underwear still showing, right at the feet of this large blonde security guard. And she asked me if I was okay, and I laughed loudly as I awkwardly got up and pulled my skirt down and retrieved all of my books and my bag from the ground, as if to say, “I laugh in the face of this fall! I AM SPARTACUS!” and then, because the laugh was not awkward enough, I make this weird “HECCHHH” sound, almost like I’m retching, like Scarlett did when she ate that awful turnip or whatever it was. I have no idea where this sound came from or why I made it. I still don’t know, and trust me, I’ve replayed this one about a gagillion times in my head.
I’ve gotta give that security lady credit, she really held it together through the whole scene, never even cracked a smile, until the weird sound occurred, and then she lost it. And I can’t blame her. Because my other weird reaction is to ALWAYS laugh when someone else falls down, even if they’re hurt. And I know this makes me a terrible person and I’m sorry about that, but I can only say that it is a purely instinctual thing and if I could help it, I would. To be fair to myself, I DO come to my senses within a couple of seconds and help them up, or call the ambulance, or whatever.
The other worst times are when they involve some other element, like the books and the bag in the example above, or that time that I tripped and fell at the convenience store during rush hour (because really, what’s the point of humiliating yourself if there isn’t a LINE OF PEOPLE OUT THE DOOR to witness it?) and dropped my purse as I reached out to break my fall, and the purse fell, but when I say it fell I don’t mean “fell,” so much as “exploded.” Contents scattered across the floor like shattered glass.
And a couple of men (of course, men) were kind enough to help me collect the contents from the floor. Which would have been fine and not that humiliating at all if I had only been carrying around a wallet and keys, maybe some lip gloss. But I was also carrying things like TAMPONS and PANTY LINERS, which were total SPARES and had been in my purse for a very long time, in the same compartment with my makeup and stuff, so they were old and raggedy and looked dirty.
Really, it’s bad enough that the nice man is handing me A TAMPON, while I stand wobbily and brush convenience store grossness off of my knees, but for some reason when the tampon is half out of its wrapper and covered in purse grime, it is SO MUCH WORSE. Trust me on this one.
Oh, also, there was a Christmas ornament in my purse. In July. I honestly couldn’t tell you why.
I guess someone could try to find a silver lining at this point in the story, which would probably go something like, “Well, at least you were all right,” but really – was I? I mean, the scar of that will probably outlast any broken bones. I’m pretty much over the fractured toes (although they still hurt every now and then), but will I ever fully recover from the shame of the convenience store fall and ensuing dirty tampon humiliation? Will I ever truly get over the look on that security guard’s face when I retched at her like Scarlett in the fields of Tara?
I guess one can only hope.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Stumble it!
Tags: falling down
September 11th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I’d feel worse about all this, but seriously, when you’re the one who is the impetus for several fire trucks, multiple police cars and an ambulance showing up at your place because you have managed to get your hair sucked into the vacuum cleaner, well…
There’s always the time I glued my fingers to the steering wheel…or if that wasn’t bad enough, a year or so ago I ACCIDENTALLY shaved off my eyelashes.
Seriously though, I woulda laughed at your had I been there when you fell.
But in a totally empathetic way, because, ya know, it’s hard to be the reigning trauma magnet and not laugh.
September 11th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Would have laughed at your FALL I meant.
Oiy!
Audss last blog post..Out Damned Spot!
September 11th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I think I would have laughed at the library fall.
Yours is way funnier than the time I managed to somehow fall up the stairs in the Liberal Arts building at my college while trying to get to class along with about 50 other people. Some of them were in the class I was going to.
I can’t believe you kept talking when you broke your toes though. I would have winced at the very least.
Susans last blog post..Awash in a Sea of Pee
September 11th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Many many reactions, in no particular order:
1) Damn you, I got the goats to bed in record time tonight and I just woke them up because I was CHORTLING at your descriptions of your clutziness.
2) Damn you again, because I don’t think I’ve ever chortled before in my life and I wasn’t prepared to lose my chortleginity and have it sound so ugly. It might have been a weird turnip noise of my own, actually.
3) I am SO glad I’m not the only clutzy one. I fell last week in the parking lot at the store and normally, I’m a get up, brush off, walk more carefully girl, but I slammed into the asphalt on both shins/knees so hard that it actually made me cry. And sit down right where I was. In a puddle. And the boy rounding up the carts actually just detoured AROUND me sitting there in that puddle sobbing and holding my legs. Which, now when I think about it, makes me laugh (even though I couldn’t have laughed then if you’d offered to pay me.)
4) Damn you again (last time) for your mad phone etiquette skillz. If I ever broke a toe while on the phone, I’m pretty sure the person on the other end would hear “MOTHERFU–” CLICK.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Over herd in the Haute
September 11th, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Oh, Bejewell, this post made me laugh. But in a “I’ve totally been there and I’m laughing but also feeling really a lot of empathy” kind of way.
I fall all the time. Not usually down stairs (although I have done it) but most of the time, I fall *up* stairs. Looks even dumber, I’d imagine. Who falls *up* stairs, anyway?
Actually, I fall so often that as a reflex, I’m already saying, “I’m fine, I’m fine” as I get up. I would be even more embarrassed to admit it if I hurt myself! (Which, come to think of it, is a little wonky.)
I walk into things all the time. It’s like I don’t have any concept where my body is. My shins and arms are often covered in bruises. People ask me what happened, and all I can really say is, “Oh, no worries, I’m just clumsy.” I feel really silly when I have to say that.
And I am the WORLD champion of dropping my purse and having all the contents explode out all around. I have lost track of the number of times I’ve done this. And although I can’t remember if any men have helped me pick up my lady items, I know they’ve been part of the carnage.
However, I must agree with WaltzInExile: if I broke my toes while I was on the phone, I would definitely fail Telephone Etiquette.
It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one!
Lindss last blog post..NICIAW Post 5: Anxiety and Facing the World
September 11th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Congratulations! You get the award for the post that made me laugh the longest and out loud today. Not an easy feat.
Sras last blog post..Search for the Perfect Deodorant
September 11th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
I am a total klutz, too. I once fell down a flight of stairs and the first thing I did was look around to see if anyone saw me. I didn’t care if my leg was broken, I just wanted to see if I should be totally humiliated.
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Drip, Pant, Swoon
September 12th, 2008 at 8:43 am
Ok, but let me just tell you about the time that I was crossing the street walking to work and I was all cool because I was reading a newspaper and all absorbed and everything and THEN. THEN, I FORGOT about the curb. And so I didn’t step UP I just kind of stepped normal and took a total nose dive onto the sidewalk in front of God and all the rush hour traffic and pedestrians. BUT, did anyone even ask if I were OK? NO. So I didn’t even get to laugh it off except I tried to anyway and so I just looked like a TOTAL MANIAC who can’t cross the street and then who mutters and chuckles after falling down and ripping clothing.
p.s. i just changed my layout so you really didn’t miss anything.
p.s.#2. i was really laughing at you, I mean WITH you, while reading this post
~ms last blog post..Mr. Fussy Scaredypants
September 12th, 2008 at 8:45 am
This post had me laughing and snorting my coffee! I, too, am a klutz – though perhaps not in as spectacular a fashion as you
Zs last blog post..Silence
September 12th, 2008 at 10:01 am
LOL and really I am. This was funny Bejewell. Not your fall, that is, but the way that is was written. Thanks for the laugh.
Know what I hate about falling? When you have to look up at people while lying on the ground. It’s a very humbling apologetic look. It’s real bad when you stumble and fall. People see you being propelled through space with that….surprised look. That’s embarrassing.
Loved this! I’m still laughing.
Liz
September 12th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Your story about the exploding purse with tampons was SO much like Carrie in S&TC with her exploding purse with condoms! Sort of…
I think anyone can relate to this. I have nerve damage in one of my shins from a fall that resulted from the back of my sling back getting caught on the deadbolt lock on the bottom of my office door. That was great.
But I think my favorite happened at a wedding, when I leaned over to say something to a friend and placed my hand on the chair between us for balance. Unfortunately – it was a folding chair and when it collaped (of course it did!) it trapped my arm and I went down with it – loudly. The best part is that the table behind us (full of people I didn’t know) had a clear view of the whole thing and couldn’t stop laughing – loudly (it was like falling in the middle of your college cafeteria). Of course they thought I was drunk and not just attacked by a vicious folding chair. Maybe it would have been better if I was drunk… But having been sober, I’m stuck with perfect recall of the humiliating incident.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:21 am
This story just totally made my Friday.
Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..On September 11th
September 12th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
I laugh, and I laugh hard. It IS funny to watch someone else bite it! But I pay with all the nasty looks I get from other people, and usually end up slinking away. Though I wasn’t able to do that at church when I watched a 12 year old biff it on the last two steps coming down from sunday school. I had to try and turn the laugh into a sympathy laugh.
By the way, I’ve broken three toes on each foot, one on a flip flop. Yep, I was walking behind my friend barefoot and when she stopped walking and I didn’t I stubbed my toe on the back of her flip flop and broke it. But thankfully all of my other bones are intact.
Mamaspheres last blog post..Ask And You Shall Recieve
September 12th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
I’m sorry, but I’m laughing at you right now.
I also laugh at people when they get hurt. I feel so bad, but like you said, it’s instinctual. I can’t help myself.
Emilys last blog post..Friday Foto Finish Fiesta
September 12th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
It’s like you could be my TWINS – Bejewell and Linds at least. I fall *up* stairs ALL THE TIME. I also am often covered in random bruises from my constantly falling and/or walking into things. I can even trip over things that aren’t even there. Takes talent. Sometimes I walk into the same thing within a 2 minute time span – if my husband is around I always hear the same thing “It’s STILL there since you first tripped over it”. Good times. Thanks for making me laugh – and not feel like such an oddball klutzoid.
September 12th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
This might make you feel better:
It was my first day at a new job, where they had a cafeteria. It was lunchtime. I wore a short skirt and heels and carried my tray of yogurt and other liquid, messy luncheon edibles. For NO REASON WHATSOEVER, my ankle twisted below me and I fell, tray and all into the bank CEO’s lap. With the yogurt and other luncheon edibles. And I also made some strange barking noise in the back of my throat to ease the tension, which did not ease the tension.
To this day, my right ankle continues to give out at random times, always in public, resulting in no shortage of embarrassing and idiotic pratfalls, usually involving food with a large spray radius.
p.s. How are your toes?
San Diego Mommas last blog post..I Can Always Get a New Face, Right? (UPDATED)
September 13th, 2008 at 12:01 am
And to think before reading this I thought I was clumsy!
But still I want to know why as a mum of boys my legs are constantly covered in bruises but yet Victoria Beckham’s never seem to be.
carols last blog post..Why I Love My Job
September 13th, 2008 at 12:25 am
I have to leave your blog before I wake the baby in my lap.
But first, I must thank you! I was sitting here in this late hour watching in boredom as Ike, the hurricane slowly pounds toward me when I decided to visit dear ol’ McMommy and do a little blog hopping. Who was first, Bejewel. I can’t say whether I’d have laughed at you in person, but the way you describe it CRACKS ME UP!!
Please don’t hate those of us who were blessed with grace…we have our own faults (like my little dark cloud –http://we-be-long.blogspot.com/2008/09/am-i-late-yet.html)
JSues last blog post..When you’re bored and you know you should be in bed…
September 13th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Ok, I think you need to do an entire blog on the crazy things we women carry in our purses…because I can tell you, I bet there is some weird crazy shit that we are all carrying around! LOL @ the tampon reference. Oh yea…been there for sure!
Carolina Girls last blog post..*Yawn* It’s way too early
September 13th, 2008 at 10:27 am
I’m sorry for laughing at your purse story, but I figure you’d understand
I feel your clumsy toe pain! Seriously, I took the Greyhound bus from Toronto to NC to visit my boyfriend. On the way back I
a) had a horrific panic attack
b) was delayed five hours overnight in Richmond
c) had my hardshell suitcase tossed so hard by the driver it snapped a lock, causing it to spring open after every bump, especially at the border
d) had the bus break down for two hours somewhere halfway to Syracuse
e) had the bus make a wrong turn and get lost for an hour and a half
f) finally made it back to Toronto and really, really, REALLY had to pee, took the elevator downstairs to the washrooms, and when the suitcase sprung open, kicked it as hard as I possibly could while wearing very cheap open toed sandals.
Yep, two middle toes. I cram ALL my years worth of clumsiness in one go
And what is with us and the purse contents? I can’t say I’ve ever had a Christmas ornament, but on several occasions there have been lemons and three-packs of soap…
Emeralds last blog post..Egg Salad and Other News
September 13th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Ooooh. Rough one. I had an embarrasing convenient store experience myself. A bee flew up one of my pant legs and I dropped them and ran a lap around the store. Eeeesh. The silver lining?? I didn’t get stung
Brees last blog post..It’s goin’ down the toilet
September 13th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Beej, who is FUNNIER THAN YOU?????????
NO ONE!!!
Also, when I clicked over here, the Bean’s pic was up…the one with the same striped shirt that Carter has!! And I got all excited!! And we are best friends forever now!!!!!!! (see? I know exactly how you felt that day you left me that comment!!)
September 14th, 2008 at 4:23 am
I kinda almost lost a toe once, in a gardening accident! I bought one of those claw tiller things and was working away at the soil. Next thing I know I managed to drive it into my foot. Miracle was that it went through the shoe and sock but between the toes and so I was unharmed, though shaken.
I also am one who does not switch over when someone is on call waiting. Unless the person I am talking to knows I am waiting for an important call, which has only happened a couple times, like the time my mom had surgery and I was waiting to talk to her (hoping she was stoned off her ass on pain killers, sadly she wasn’t). There was one time as a deli clerk I walked up to the counter to serve a customer said “Hi, how can…” hit the container holder thing which fell and landed on my foot, hopped on one foot in a complete circle until facing her once again, “..I help you.” The customer and my coworker just stared at me for a minute while I pretended it hadn’t happened.
Then there was the time a bit over a month ago when I was in the lab and the Fisher Scientific rep (huge scientific supply company) was visiting and stopped by our lab and I was talking to her while washing a glass syringe and it shattered and impaled my finger. My only reaction was to flinch, she asked me if I cut myself and I casually said yes as I bled on the floor, ran some water over it and wrapped it with a paper towel thinking, “I sure hope no one touched the paper towels before washing their hands” since it is a pathogens lab… She promised to bring me a shiny new catalog and made a hasty retreat as my coworker came to help me. Fun times!
Note to self: Buy Niecey striped shirt so I can be in with the in crowd.
Karens last blog post..Hilarious or Evil? You Decide!
September 14th, 2008 at 7:03 am
I cannot tell the stories nearly as funnily as you, but I have taken a flying face plant at the VATICAN — oh, yes, THE one, in Rome — and had to be helped to the first aid booth by lovely Spaniards who saw me into the ambulance, where the very kind Italian doctor spoke no English but did manage to get me to the gynecology ward (did I mention I was 13 weeks pregnant with my first child and terrified I’d done damage?). After the very kind female doctor “made a visit” (her phrase) and pronounced me and The Lemon just fine, I got to hear his heartbeat for the first time, and then was ordered to go to bed for the rest of the day just to be sure — only I had no money for a cab, and the ATM was broken at the hospital, and I didn’t speak Italian, and my tour group had ABANDONED me at the Vatican because I wasn’t keeping up with their fast pace (because I was face planted with the wind knocked out of me on the shiny marble floor, pregnant), and the group had divided to go to two different destinations after the Vatican, so no one even knew I was missing. I took a city bus back to the hotel. I slept. I didn’t tell anyone what happened; I just pretended I was tired that afternoon. But I still have the ultrasound photos stapled to the Italian hospital report to prove it.
And when I timidly asked, just before I left, where I should go to pay what I could only imagine would be an exorbitant hospital bill (add it up: ambulance ride, ultrasound, specialized doctor visit, foreign hospital), I was told kindly, and with more than a little pride, “oh, no, NOT in EE-taly” and waved away without so much as a “twenty-five cents please.”
All of which is to say, I totally get your dramatic mortification. Think of it this way: at least you get to fall in English.
September 14th, 2008 at 6:26 pm
I’ll set the scene for you: Water park, summer of 2005, careening crazily down a particular water slide.
Braniac that I am, in a panic, I grabbed the side of the slide and got just enough of a grip that I flipped over the side of the slide and onto the ground. Luckily, I didn’t let go and dangled there, before I realized I was only about 6 feet off the ground, not 25 feet….and topless…did I mention that in the flip my halter-necked top came undone and was hanging around my waist.
Yeah. Good times.
Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Thank you to the most awesomest readers in all of blogdom!
September 15th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Ok, I totally read that thinking you had broken your middle toe on both feet. And then got very confused when I read that you had an odd number of toes, thus not having two middle toes. And I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why you only had nine toes.
*sigh*
Clearly I need to drink more.
Kristines last blog post..Trou dropping or ball dropping?
September 30th, 2008 at 7:27 am
Sorry for your deditos! My front bike tire jammed in a rut in front of a NYC busstop. I flew, Superman-like, for a bit before I crashed, tearing a hole in my neoprene bike suit. As I walked back to retrieve my bike no one – not one person – said anything. Not even, “don’t worry, the bleeding will stop eventually”, or “at least it doesn’t look dislocated”.
August 4th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
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Richards