In case you haven’t seen it, Auds over at Barking Mad recently started a new “Best of the Web” feature, where once a month she’ll discuss a web site that she really digs and wants other people to check out.
(Side note: Despite Auds’ insistence that she’s only featuring non-blogs, I am POSITIVE that The Bean will be next month’s featured site, but that is (a) neither here nor there and (b) probably my over-inflated ego talking again and (c) really just a chance for me to say “neither here nor there” because when I say that out loud, with a British accent (of course), you would not BELIEVE how FUCKING COSMOPOLITAN I sound.)
Anyway, this month Auds’ pet is an entire web site dedicated to getting rid of shit you don’t want, everything from spiders to blood stains to man boobs. (And if you have man boobs I sincerely hope you’ll check it out because, Dude. Seriously. Do something.)
So Auds wrote this post
and interviewed the head-guy-in-charge about how the site started, why he does what he does, how he’s been successful, and why, if he’s such an expert on getting rid of stuff, he hasn’t yet gotten rid of that ridiculous man ponytail of his.
(Actually, I think I just made that last one up in my head.).
And in the middle of this post she actually talked numbers – BLOG numbers. She spilled the beans on his blog stats and how much traffic he gets on a regular basis. And I found the blog stats of Ponytail Guy VERY interesting because (for you non-bloggers out there) (hi, Mom and Dad)
seeing someone else’s blog stats is a little like getting a glimpse into a private, forbidden world where all the natives are naked and doing it. And I’ve admitted before that I am a total Peeping Tom
, so it shouldn’t surprise you to find out that this gave me a sick thrill.
But at the same time it made me feel all Samantha Baker-ish (cue Sixteen Candles theme music) because (a) WOW! those are some serious numbers, but also (b) WOW! Ponytail Guy gets SO MUCH MORE BLOG TAIL than I do. And that of course launched me into a whole new angst-ridden tirade of jealous blustering (again).
What the hell is wrong with me? Why don’t I have 30 million bajillion visits every day? Is it my current lack of a ponytail? Oh sweet, tiny, 8 lb. 6 oz. baby Jesus, it IS, isn’t it? I really think that must be it. GOD I MISS MY PONYTAIL.
But I digress.
Now here’s the (questionably) interesting part of the story — Apparently, someone else read the same post that I read about Ponytail Guy and his stats, but had a COMPLETELY different reaction. Instead of getting a voyeuristic hard-on like me, this person apparently suggested that Auds had breached some kind of blog etiquette or something by revealing – gasp! - STATS! (Don’t bother asking me who ‘cuz I don’t know and don’t wanna.)
Because Auds is not a calculating, selfish, self-absorbed bitch like me a nice person, she was worried about this bullshit negative feedback. Which is why she made the mistake of telling me about it. And I immediately started thinking about how I could squeeze a blog post out of all of this felt bad for her, but I also found it interesting that someone else thought it was in poor taste, and it got me thinking about this whole blogging etiquette thing, this mysterious list of THE WAY TO DO THINGS that I’ve never seen but I’m sure must exist because some people seem to monitor other people’s blogs for violations of the list like fucking Tipper Gore at a 2Live Crew show (back the in Me So Horny days when they still mattered).
To be honest, it all seems absurd to me. I’m not really sure why it would be considered poor taste to share blog stats. But even with that said, I understand the impulse to keep them private. Even though I often fart in the general direction of all things etiquette (except PHONE ETIQUETTE, I am TOTALLY ON TOP OF THAT
), I have found myself keeping blog stats close to my (small) chest
for some reason.
And yet, as soon as I realized that somebody thinks it’s impolite to reveal one’s blog stats, I knew immediately that I MUST REVEAL MY BLOG STATS. Because I don’t like anyone telling me what I can’t do, or anyone else what they can’t do, either, for that matter. It just makes me want to tell ”them” what to do – BITE ME.
So here it is, folks. MY MIDDLE FINGER to the Blog Etiquette Police. Screw decorum, bitches!
As you can see, my blog stats are totally schizophrenic and have no sense of consistency at all. Which, for a creature of habit like myself, is extremely disconcerting. They vary wildly from day to day – one day everyone loves me, the next day crickets are chirping.
Why? I really couldn’t tell you. It’s a question that keeps me up nights. Personally, I think I am consistently brilliant AND hilarious (granted, I *might* not be the best judge) and can’t imagine why my traffic isn’t at least 30,000 page hits per day like Ponytail Guy. Okay yeah, maybe I’m NOT giving you valuable information like how to get rid of heartburn or acne, but come on! I’m funny!
(Crickets chirping again.)
Anyway, there you have it. I have once again dropped trou and let it all hang out in a desperate attempt to recapture whatever the fuck happened up there on September 20. It’d better be worth it, people.
(By the way, could somebody PLEASE explain September 14th to me? Were you guys ALL in cahoots to play some kind of horrible joke on me? Because it really wasn’t funny, people. I’m STILL a fucking basketcase over that one.)
Of course, none of this really matters because I supposedly released all of my blogging angst with my jealous tirade over Black Hockey Jesus, the James Spader character in my Pretty in Pink fantasy world.
Or did I?
I bet if I hadn’t cut off my ponytail, that picture up there would look completely different. If I still had that ponytail, I could be riding off into the sunset RIGHT NOW with the Get-Rid-of-Stuff guy – both of us sitting atop our huge, shiny blog stats, long ponytails flowing beautifully behind us.
If I still had my ponytail, I’d be bigger than Dooce, Amalah, Sweetney, Bloggess, and all the rest of them put together. I’d be a fucking ROCK STAR.
That’s it. I’m getting extensions.
Tags: man ponytails