Bejewell on September 28th, 2008

In case you haven’t seen it, Auds over at Barking Mad recently started a new “Best of the Web” feature, where once a month she’ll discuss a web site that she really digs and wants other people to check out.

(Side note: Despite Auds’ insistence that she’s only featuring non-blogs, I am POSITIVE that The Bean will be next month’s featured site, but that is (a) neither here nor there and (b) probably my over-inflated ego talking again and (c) really just a chance for me to say “neither here nor there” because when I say that out loud, with a British accent (of course), you would not BELIEVE how FUCKING COSMOPOLITAN I sound.)
Anyway, this month Auds’ pet is an entire web site dedicated to getting rid of shit you don’t want, everything from spiders to blood stains to man boobs. (And if you have man boobs I sincerely hope you’ll check it out because, Dude.  Seriously.  Do something.)
So Auds wrote this post and interviewed the head-guy-in-charge about how the site started, why he does what he does, how he’s been successful, and why, if he’s such an expert on getting rid of stuff, he hasn’t yet gotten rid of that ridiculous man ponytail of his.
(Actually, I think I just made that last one up in my head.).
And in the middle of this post she actually talked numbers – BLOG numbers.  She spilled the beans on his blog stats and how much traffic he gets on a regular basis.  And I found the blog stats of Ponytail Guy VERY interesting because (for you non-bloggers out there) (hi, Mom and Dad) seeing someone else’s blog stats is a little like getting a glimpse into a private, forbidden world where all the natives are naked and doing it.  And I’ve admitted before that I am a total Peeping Tom, so it shouldn’t surprise you to find out that this gave me a sick thrill.
But at the same time it made me feel all Samantha Baker-ish (cue Sixteen Candles theme music) because (a) WOW! those are some serious numbers, but also (b) WOW! Ponytail Guy gets SO MUCH MORE BLOG TAIL than I do.  And that of course launched me into a whole new angst-ridden tirade of jealous blustering (again).
What the hell is wrong with me? Why don’t I have 30 million bajillion visits every day?  Is it my current lack of a ponytail?  Oh sweet, tiny, 8 lb. 6 oz. baby Jesus, it IS, isn’t it?  I really think that must be it.  GOD I MISS MY PONYTAIL.
But I digress.
Now here’s the (questionably) interesting part of the story — Apparently, someone else read the same post that I read about Ponytail Guy and his stats, but had a COMPLETELY different reaction.  Instead of getting a voyeuristic hard-on like me, this person apparently suggested that Auds had breached some kind of blog etiquette or something by revealing – gasp! - STATS!  (Don’t bother asking me who ‘cuz I don’t know and don’t wanna.)
Because Auds is not a calculating, selfish, self-absorbed bitch like me a nice person, she was worried about this bullshit negative feedback.  Which is why she made the mistake of telling me about it.  And I immediately started thinking about how I could squeeze a blog post out of all of this felt bad for her, but I also found it interesting that someone else thought it was in poor taste, and it got me thinking about this whole blogging etiquette thing, this mysterious list of THE WAY TO DO THINGS that I’ve never seen but I’m sure must exist because some people seem to monitor other people’s blogs for violations of the list like fucking Tipper Gore at a 2Live Crew show (back the in Me So Horny days when they still mattered).
To be honest, it all seems absurd to me.  I’m not really sure why it would be considered poor taste to share blog stats.  But even with that said, I understand the impulse to keep them private.  Even though I often fart in the general direction of all things etiquette (except PHONE ETIQUETTE, I am TOTALLY ON TOP OF THAT), I have found myself keeping blog stats close to my (small) chest for some reason.

And yet, as soon as I realized that somebody thinks it’s impolite to reveal one’s blog stats, I knew immediately that I MUST REVEAL MY BLOG STATS.  Because I don’t like anyone telling me what I can’t do, or anyone else what they can’t do, either, for that matter.  It just makes me want to tell ”them” what to do – BITE ME.

So here it is, folks. MY MIDDLE FINGER to the Blog Etiquette Police. Screw decorum, bitches!

As you can see, my blog stats are totally schizophrenic and have no sense of consistency at all.  Which, for a creature of habit like myself, is extremely disconcerting.  They vary wildly from day to day – one day everyone loves me, the next day crickets are chirping.

Why?  I really couldn’t tell you.  It’s a question that keeps me up nights.  Personally, I think I am consistently brilliant AND hilarious (granted, I *might* not be the best judge) and can’t imagine why my traffic isn’t at least 30,000 page hits per day like Ponytail Guy.  Okay yeah, maybe I’m NOT giving you valuable information like how to get rid of heartburn or acne, but come on!  I’m funny!

Right?

(Crickets chirping again.)

Anyway, there you have it.  I have once again dropped trou and let it all hang out in a desperate attempt to recapture whatever the fuck happened up there on September 20.  It’d better be worth it, people.

(By the way, could somebody PLEASE explain September 14th to me?  Were you guys ALL in cahoots to play some kind of horrible joke on me?  Because it really wasn’t funny, people.  I’m STILL a fucking basketcase over that one.)

Of course, none of this really matters because I supposedly released all of my blogging angst with my jealous tirade over Black Hockey Jesus, the James Spader character in my Pretty in Pink fantasy world.

Or did I?

I bet if I hadn’t cut off my ponytail, that picture up there would look completely different. If I still had that ponytail, I could be riding off into the sunset RIGHT NOW with the Get-Rid-of-Stuff guy – both of us sitting atop our huge, shiny blog stats, long ponytails flowing beautifully behind us.

If I still had my ponytail, I’d be bigger than Dooce, Amalah, Sweetney, Bloggess, and all the rest of them put together.  I’d be a fucking ROCK STAR.

That’s it.  I’m getting extensions.

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35 Responses to “Stats and Man Ponytails”

  1. I’m so glad I follow stalk you as my blog mentor. Your approach is way easier than the super-secret-if-you-belonged-you’d-know mysterious etiquette rules.
    I’ll follow you, regardless. Just do me a favor: ditch the extension idea. Please.

    P.S. You ARE a fucking rock star.
    P.P.S. I had 14 hits on September 14th. Feel better now?

  2. Okay… I hope I don’t regret this but since you asked… I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and well… I think you could be a really funny writer. Notice I said “could be” which means you absolutely have the skills and the potential. Good news, right? BUT… Here’s the problem. You’re too angry. For real. Almost every post is filled with some sort of rage or bitterness or serious regret. Which quite honestly is really unappealing. You don’t need to be so freaking mad to tell a good story or to be funny or to win people over. In fact, one would argue it’s THE LAST thing you want to do to engage and keep your readers. Be funny. Be smart. Be heartwarming. But reel in the vitriol. Most of us are reading blogs to escape the bullshit and madness. If I needed animosity, I’d call my family. Seriously.
    I’ve been returning, I guess, because of your potential. Clearly you want to be doing this but your constant head banging and hand-wringing over readership and popularity and other meaningless nonsense is horribly off-putting. Not to mention whiny and immature. Please, please give it a rest. Just write. That’s all. You’re good at it. Just enjoy the creative process and let it flow.
    Good luck.

  3. You get more traffic than I do, I think. I’m so jealous. I can’t read you anymore. I can’t believe you posted your numbers. How uncouth.

    Blah blah blah. Rock on :}

    Backpacking Dads last blog post..How to Abuse a Friendship in 500 Words or Less

  4. Well, I imagine that the guy gave her the stats to use, and it’s not like she hacked into his Stat Counter or whatever he uses to expose him to the world, so it should be all good. And I’d really like to see this invisible book of blogging etiquette.

    Mamaspheres last blog post..Drunk Blogging

  5. I think to have astronomical, rockstar numbers, you have to ACTUALLY drop trou. Actually dropping trou AND having a ponytail would totally just kill the Internet. Do you want that on your hands?

    I think you rock, and I say that not just as the person who kicks ass in the lyric game.

    foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..i like big twits and i cannot lie

  6. Wanna see my stats? They’re no different than yours. Up and down and round and round. It’s the way of the internet.

    RH – you self important bastard: you want a funny, happy blog that suits your personal tastes? GO WRITE YOUR OWN FUCKING BLOG. That should satiate you. kthnxbai.

    Marias last blog post..BusyDad: FuckShitStupid

  7. Was I too mean? I give you permission to delete me. And yes, I’m giving you permission to delete me off of your blog B. Because I’m self important as well.

    :P

    Marias last blog post..BusyDad: FuckShitStupid

  8. LOL! Mrs. Fussypants stumbled you on the 20th! (Check out stumbleupon! Be mah frend!) Anyway, I posted my own stats a couple of months ago, it wasn’t quite that exciting. I’ve been doing this since 2006 and have NEVER hit over 100 readers in a day, so chin up chica! You are hilarious.

    Honeybells last blog post..*F* This Friday

  9. Shit! You had me all worried for a minute that you were seriously gonna harsh the (non drug related) buzz I had going!

    As far as ponytail dude…well, what can I say, I have a thing for guys with longish hair. Being that my own Brit won’t indulge me, I have to get my ponytail on elsewhere. I think Jonathan is cute. So sue me. But I was also interested in what brings the numbers. Plus he’s a writer and a kick-ass photographer…all things that get me hot and bothered.

    Shit, did I just say that outloud?

    And I think you’re on to something with the lack of our own “Samson” ponytails. As soon as I lopped all ten inches of mine off last month…well lets not go there.

    Anyhow…you rock. You know you rock. Well actually you are PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME and that supersedes(did I spell that right?) “rocking” as many of your loyal fans will, I’m sure, agree with me. A point that is clearly lost on “RH” as is most of your wit. But then all one needs do is remind “RH” that it’s completely a moot point to have a battle of wits with someone as obviously unarmed as “RH” appears to be.

    Oh one other thing, on a serious note, related to stats. I think everyone right now is experiencing something of a dip. It’s election year and we’re all too busy tweeting about the debates, and everything else. I have a feeling things will perk up once this damn thing is over with. That’s just my opinion anyhow.

    Audss last blog post..Little Miss Marker

  10. Uh yeah…. I had a feeling the shitstorm would come.

    Look, she ASKED. Over and over again. She’s desperately wondering why people don’t read her blog. Or worship it. Or whatever? When you constantly put that out there, at some point, someone is going to give you an opinion that isn’t always pleasant. Honestly, I was kind. I was critical yes but also complimentary. But I told her what I thought, which isn’t such an awful thing. I find the constant ass-kissing under such circumstances totally self serving.

    Oh and Maria? I DO have my own blog. I write because it makes me happy. People read it? Great? They don’t? Their loss. I could give a shit about my metrics. And I don’t feel so wildly insecure to post links to it everywhere I go. Get over yourself. Your rudeness and nastiness doesn’t impress me or put you at the cool kids table either.

  11. You just made me feel slightly better. I logged on today and discovered that one of my “followers” has suddenly left me. I only had 16 to begin with, so losing even one is seriously depressing.
    My stats have sucked donkey dick this month. They’re pretty lame to begin with, but this month is just pitiful. It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve had practically nothing to say, but that doesn’t make it any easier to swallow.
    I suppose I’d better get over my little self-pity thing and start thinking of something brilliant to write.
    Anyway, this was totally not supposed to be all about me. I just wanted to give you a bit of comment love and tell you once again that you rock. Your ability to care so much and not give a shit all at the same time is just awe inspiring.

    Simply Shannons last blog post..Meeting Joe Mac

  12. RH…one question.

    If you are so secure, why not hyperlink back to yourself? It’s an honest question and one I’m genuinely concerned about.

    One other observation, and perhaps it’s because I have a pretty good rapport with Beej, but she’s the least insecure person I know, and if you couldn’t see the total tongue-in-cheek nature of this post, then I sincerely feel bad for you.

    Beej, I’m sorry to have kept this going, but his response just begged that question and the following observation.

    Auds

    Audss last blog post..Little Miss Marker

  13. RH — Listen, my blog is really NOT the place to start a war. You’ve expressed your opinion and I’ve emailed you in response. I honestly appreciate the feedback (although, really – in my COMMENTS section, dude? You couldn’t have just emailed me? Insult? Injury? Hello?), but The Bean is not a forum for ugly arguments unless I’M the one who starts them.

    Other bloggers are more brave or open-minded or something about shit like this but I’m not. If you want to continue your discussion with someone offline that’s fine, but my comments section ain’t the place.

  14. I think we should get one thing straight here: it’s not a pony tail, it’s manlocks. Long, flowing manlocks. The dirty girls love it, and the nice girls know they love it but tell everyone else they don’t. Why do you think trash romance novels always feature a man with long hair on the cover?

    But enough about my fabulous hair. Really, the problem here is that you’re comparing apples to oranges. It isn’t the blog for the website that gets the hits, it’s the website. Why? Because we publish humorous and useful advice columns. The sort of site you refer to when one of your coworkers mentions their ant problem.

    Not only that, but the website is designed to draw what we call organic search results, versus direct (or referral) links which is what most blogs/bloggers rely on for traffic. We don’t play the popularity game. We draw people in by providing a very large compendium of DIY articles that people find by searching for “how to get rid of ants.”

    Frankly, I find your blog stats astounding. On a good day, I barely get 30 visits to my personal blog.

    If I were going to give you advice along the lines of your good friend RH, I would say this: this isn’t a popularity contest, it’s a form of expression. Don’t worry about hits and visits. Worry about honing your ability to express your feelings as accurately as possible. Focus on the writing, not on the interest you’re generating. The interest will come when you distance yourself from the need to get attention. It sounds ridiculous, but that’s the way it works.

    Good luck.

    - The Pony Tail Guy

  15. Ponytails are hot, but that short hair thing you got going? Works. ; )
    September 20th was a Saturday and the 14th was a Sunday. Saturday is a slow day for posts so desperate readers jump on those posts. Sundays are a little different though, too much family stuff going on so it stays slow.

    Keep the angst.

    Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Conversations With Liam

  16. Dude, I wish I had some stats like those. You rock. I love your blog, particularly when you cook something in the crockpot.

    P.S. If you do ever find the place where all of the blog rules are catalogued, will you let me know? I’d like to take a peek at them myself.

    Jen @ blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..It’s A Major Award!

  17. Yes. What is up with Black Hockey Jesus?

    All Adithers last blog post..Wherein I subject you to more of my fiction

  18. You have totally found the secret. Now you will have to look over your shoulder FOREVER.

    flutter who has a ponytail and still suckss last blog post..Sleepless nights and crappy photography

  19. I say unless you post daily, paying too much attention to daily blog stats is useless. May as well take into account how often you post, because many people only visit when their feed reader says there’s something new to see. People don’t just come over every day to dig through archives. They want current!

    Sras last blog post..Book Reviews

  20. Beej you know I love you. Isn’t my love enough?? Keep on keepin on sista!

  21. I bet you got Stumbled that day. My stats look just like that, where this one day there is this big mountain, and the next a deep, deadly ravine – it was from a Stumble. But those Stumblers didn’t stay, they just Stumbled on by…. drunkies.

    You’re awesome. Thanks for the peep show. ;)

  22. I would trade all my stats for a ponytail like that.

    PS. My stats are way lower than people assume. For real.

    Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..And now I totally want a pet chicken

  23. Ponytails are overrated. You are not. I am ponytailess now, but I’m thinking about getting one of those cheesy scrunchy things with hair attached.

    jenboglass (steenkybee)s last blog post..The Five Spot (Formerly The Friday Five)

  24. As you know, I just chopped off a good 11 inches of ponytail. Which might explain my low hits of late. Or might not. It could just as easily be that Mercury is in retrograde. Or that I already know who I want to vote for in November. Or whatever. Point is: stats are inconclusive things that only tell you how many people arrived but not how many stayed. (Try putting up a post with as many variations of the word n@ked in it as you can, and watch your stats go through the roof for a day. Will they come back, though, when they find that you have no nudie pics? Hardly.) Also, the writing has to be for yourself or else it feels too much like trying to eat lunch with that crowd that wouldn’t give me the time of day in high school. This could be the girl at the geek table talking. But it is way easier not to WORRY about the numbers if you put yourself in the frame of mind that the numbers are not the primary reason to do this. Just a thought…

    Also, please keep writing! :)

    MommyTimes last blog post..Send in the Clowns (and win free circus tickets!)

  25. RH: Like you, I’ve been reading this blog for several weeks now, but I have not recognized any of the vitriol you seem to be so upset about. This is one of the best blogs I’ve read and I find Bejewell to be an excellent writer. She is outspoken, smart and funny – a wicked combination and one that has made her one of my go-to daily reads.

    I have seen some angry posts, yes, but they have always been tongue-in-cheek and never hateful. There are also some very sweet, touching posts as well. The “angst” she expresses is a common theme for many writers and something I’ve been able to relate to. There have been a couple in particular, the one about trying to write a book, and the one about “killing” her journals, that I could have written myself from a man’s perspective.

    Constructive criticism and meanness are two different things. It’s one thing to offer a critique of a blog based on the entire body of work (moreso if it’s actually solicited), but it is something else to call someone “whiny” and “immature.” What is really constructive about that?

    I would suggest that you grow up and focus on your own blog instead of handing out insults on someone else’s.

    Alex Forsters last blog post..Encounter

  26. Because I have terrible voyeuristic tendencies, I would love a “come out of the closet” blog day where everyone just posts their stats, lays them out there and get over the idea of who is more popular than the next person.

    I enjoy your blog for your snark and self-deprecating humor. If RH doesn’t get it, then let him move on. No biggie! But don’t change, don’t write for the masses, write for you.

    Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..It doesn’t get anymore random than this

  27. Didn’t one of the big stat counter sites do an upgrade or something recently on a sunday? I wonder if it was the 14th and you use it? I know I lost hits on mine when it happened.

    Kristines last blog post..It never ends well…

  28. This post? Awesome.

    The comments? Freaking brilliant.

    You? My girl crush.

    Me? Well I totally rock and everyone knows that right?

    Kelley with her hair in a ponytail getting rid of stuffs last blog post..I rock. You rock. We totally rock!

  29. 1. You’re awfully cute when you’re angry.
    2. I have a ponytail and still have lower stats than you.
    3. Seeing other people’s stats is like peeking at their paychecks. You might not just come right out and ask them, but if you see it laying around somewhere… … …

    From one peeping tom to another- keep up the good work.
    (And it IS good work. I love you!)
    nik

  30. The most visitors I’ve had in a day is 14, maybe I shouldn’t wrap my pony tail up into a bun… The invisible blog etiquette thing is so weird, me and my BFF Goat Mommy (waltzinexile) have discussed it before. Maybe we need to have a blogger constitution and all vote on it, it would be the most important election in the blogosphere, totally bigger than the one in November! I find the sarcasm amusing and sometimes reading someone else “ranting and raving” makes me feel better about my ranting and raving, lol!

    Karens last blog post..The Adventures of Super Yeast: First Batch

  31. I’d kill for your stats.

    Mine are down this past month. Maybe because I stink, or maybe because a lot of moms like me are hitting back-to-school chaos season and we don’t have enough time to read our blogs.

    Also, I’m reading a lot more political sites, and fewer blogs. Just saying.

    threeundertwo who is obviously doing it wrong with pigtailss last blog post..The Tale of a Procrastinator

  32. I wear my hair in a ponytail almost every day. Why doesn’t it work for me? Does it have to be a high ponytail? Does it have to stay that way all day? If the ponytail is in a scrunchie is it disqualified? (shut up, they hold better than elastic) I really need to know because your stats make my stats shrivel up and hide.

    And may I borrow the invisible blog etiquette book after you?

    Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommys last blog post..Breast Cancer Awareness: My Mammogram Vlog

  33. DUDE! Okay, before I go all commenting away, I will acknowledge that I am late to this party. But look, I tried switching from Google Reader to FeedDemon and Bloglines, and along the way, some feeds were lost. I’m getting them back slowly but surely.

    Okay, back to what I was saying, DUDE! If you ever find the list of rules, can you shoot me a copy? Because it seems like I’m violating that shit 24/7.

    Also, the fact that you dropped a 2Live reference AND refuse to follow me back on Twitter? Pretty much guarantees my undying adoration. Well, unless my ADD makes me all, “Oooooh, KD @ A Bit Squirrelly posted something new and shiny” in which case, all bets are off because hello? ADD, it is a curse.

    Stephs last blog post..Felons can’t use guns, but we can use bullets.

  34. I am eating my keyboard because I can’t BELIEVE I missed this funny as hell post.

    Am I qualified to read your fucking awesome blog? Because RH there threw me for a loop when he/she said “reel in the vitriol” because #1 I thought he/she misspelled real and #2 what the fuck is vitriol? That is not nearly as cosmopolitan as “neither here nor there.”

    Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..This is how we do crazy around here. Alternate Title: How many times can I ask what the hell?

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