Bejewell on October 10th, 2008

Hey, remember that post I wrote recently about what a sick Peeping Tom I am and how I find the Fake Sam Elliot Dude in our neighborhood both creepy and fascinating? And then the Immoral Matriarch was all, “But I LOVE Sam Elliott!  He’s sex-ay!” and I was all, “Well you can HAVE the fake version, you monster ‘stache loving freak!” and she was all “I’ll kick your ass if you diss my Sammy!” and I was all, “Okay nevermind you’re absolutely right and I’m sorry” because we both know that she could TOTALLY kick my ass if she wanted.

But anyway, the point is — Remember that post?  And creepy Fake Sam Elliott?

Well, the night before last, my husband ruined that guy’s life. 

It was just a typical weeknight for us, in bed by 10, the Big Bean trying valiantly to sleep while I clicked away on my laptop and occasionally guffawed at The Daily Show.  The windows were open because it’s finally NOT as hot as balls here anymore (goodbye, AC!  We will miss you!  NOT!), and I guess it’s a good thing because otherwise we would not have heard the crash from outside.

I knew immediately what it was.  Once you hear the sound of one car crunching another, you pretty much never forget it.  I hit the pause button (Tivo, how I love thee) and listened for more.  The Big Bean turned over and listened with me.  We heard a screeching of tires, then the sound of a car driving away, and then silence.  I said out loud, “That was a wreck.  And I think it was a hit and run.”

The Big Bean jumped out of bed like it was on fire.  Still in his boxer shorts, he threw on some sandals and ran out the front door to see what had happened.  I stayed in bed with The Daily Show and figured he’d report back.  Which he did.  With an almost-disturbing level of enthusiasm.

Apparently, when he got outside Fake Sam Elliott was coming around the corner in his clearly damaged truck.  The Big Bean watched as he drove down the street and parked in front of his house, then started to pull his other car out of the garage, obviously making room to stash the evidence.

Just then our next door neighbor G came out, ready to leave for his night shift as a volunteer sheriff.  He saw the Big Bean standing outside in his boxers and was understandably curious.  When he asked what was going on, Big Bean told him breathlessly, “I think that guy just pulled a hit and run!”

G had heard the crash, too, but didn’t know what it was and had missed the whole screeching-tires-coming-around-the-corner thing.  So he asked the Big Bean, “Are you SURE?” and the Big Bean cried, “YES!!” as he shook with exhilaration, tears of excitement agleam in his eyes – he was REPORTING A CRIME! 

(Side note: This is MY interpretation of events.  I did not witness them first-hand.  But the Big Bean WAS awfully excited by all of this.  It’s entirely possible that he was shaking and crying like a little girl.) 

So anyway, G went running for Fake Sam Elliott’s house, using his cell to call in a potential hit and run.  The Big Bean watched G go, then finally realized that he was standing outside in his underwear and sandals, so he came in to (a) put some clothes on and (b) report the news to me with an urgency I rarely see from him (except when he has to poop, but that is an entirely different post) (and, also, probably more information than you needed).

(Another side note: Every time he came back to the house to fill me in, he called Fake Sam Elliott “Sam.”  Like that was really his name.  It’s not.  Until last night we really had no idea what his real name was.  I don’t know why I find this so funny, but I do.)

Status report successfully delivered, boxers and bare chest covered with shorts and a tee, the Big Bean raced back out for more scoop and found three cop cars already parked in front of Fake Sam Elliott’s house, lights flashing. The culprit had been caught and was in the process of being “cuffed and stuffed.” 

(Last side note: Until last night I had never heard the term “cuffed and stuffed.”   This was how the scene was related to me by the Big Bean.  It didn’t stop me, though, from Twittering about it like I use that term all the time.  And if someone had asked me what it meant, I was ready to say, “You mean YOU DON’T KNOW what cuffed and stuffed means?  DUH!!”  But sadly, no one ever asked. I guess it IS pretty self-explanatory.)    


According to the Big Bean’s animated news report, G got to Fake Sam Elliott’s house just as he was about to pull the damaged truck into the garage. G approached, badge out, and asked Fake Sam Elliott, “Did you just hit someone?” and Fake Sam Elliott, obviously drunk, knowing he was busted, said “Well, yeah.”  And not long after that, G’s cop buddies showed up (serendipity: they were already just blocks away when the call came in), and the flashing lights-handcuffed neighbor scene played out right in front of the Big Bean, who knew that IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF HIM.

While the Big Bean stood outside watching it all go down, silently patting himself on the back, another neighbor came out and asked him what had happened.  The Big Bean couldn’t WAIT to share the news with someone else.  “You know that guy with the Sam Elliott mustache?”  “You mean Donald?”  “I don’t know his name.”  “Well Donald has a big mustache and white hair.”  “Okay, well OLD DONALD just got busted for a DUI AND a hit-and-run!  And I busted him!”  ”You’re kidding!  Oh, poor Donald!” (Completely missing the point that the Big Bean had just SAVED ALL OUR LIVES.)

Once Donald-slash-Sam was safely en route to jail, the Big Bean came back in.  He was obviously still pumped from totally ratting out our creepy neighbor, but he also knew he needed to get some sleep, so he started to get back in bed.  But then we heard what sounded like an ambulance siren, and suddenly it was possible that SOMETHING MIGHT BE GOING DOWN WITHOUT HIM.  So he popped back up, hopped on his bike and rode to the scene of the accident to see what was going on.

Turned out, it wasn’t an ambulance at all, just another cop.  The car hit by Donald-slash-Sam was unoccupied, parked on the side of the road when he plowed into it.  The Big Bean was disappointed — not that someone hadn’t been hurt, I mean, just that there was nothing more exciting to observe.

The show was finally over.

He came home a little deflated.  Back to boxers, he climbed into bed.

ME: Wow, that was all really exciting, huh?

BB: Yeah, that guy is in some SERIOUS SHIT now.

ME: And they would never have caught him if it hadn’t been for you.

BB: I know! And now he’s in jail, facing DUI AND hit and run charges! He’s fucked!

ME: Basically, it’s like you just ruined Fake Sam Elliott’s life!  And all in a matter of minutes!

BB: I know!  I don’t think I can sleep now.  I feel like there’s more crime fighting to be done.

ME: You’re like a superhero!

BB: I should really be back out there on the streets now, looking for more unsavories.

ME: Sleep now, Superman.  There will more crime to fight tomorrow.

(End Scene.)


So there are multiple points to this story:

  1. My husband now considers himself a crime-fighting SUPERHERO and will be hell to live with for many weeks now.
  2. It is ALWAYS a bad idea to drink and drive.
  3. You should NEVER flee the scene of an accident.
  4. You should ALWAYS be nice to me.
  5. The entire neighborhood now knows that the Big Bean is a boxers guy.
  6. I can tell one SERIOUSLY long, tedious, semi-embellished story.
  7. How do you like Fake Sam Elliott NOW, Ms. Immoral Matriarch? Not so hot anymore, huh?  (If you still think he is, you’re absolutely right and I’m really very sorry.  Please do not kick my ass.)
  8. It is entirely possible that I will soon be writing another post about how Fake Sam Elliott got out of jail and headed straight for our house to kill the Big Bean. You should definitely stay tuned.

And that is all.

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30 Responses to “My Husband Ruined Sam Elliott’s Life”

  1. Holy hell, I haven’t laughed this hard at someone else’s misfortune for quite a while!

    Honeybells last blog post..Tweeter and the Monkey Man; Part I

  2. If what I’m really laughing at is your depiction of events — the words you chose, your descriptions of the Big Bean, the neighborhood excitement — that’s not the same thing as laughing at your neighbor’s misfortune, right? Because I’m not worried about Immoral Matriarch kicking my butt; I’m way more worried about Karma.

    WaltzInExiles last blog post..I’ve been one poor correspondent

  3. You know how to pull me out of hiding, don’t you?

    Alright, so Old Donald is disgracing the ‘stache. Not cool. Sam would be pissed, I’m sure.

    But, is he a big guy? I mean, when he finds out his life was ruined because of Big Bean, isn’t he gonna come back all ‘Devil Went Down to Georgia’ in this bitch? Guns ablazing and black hat stuffed down tight over his long gray locks blowing in the wind and…see – he really needs to shave that mustache off, because I can’t seem to get past it.

    (back on hiatus)

    Mariás last blog post..Loralee’s Looney Tunes: Save to draft

  4. The real test of Big-Bean-As-Superhero will be how he reacts when bailed-out Fake Sam Elliott comes back to kick his boxer-wearing ass. Will he face the confrontation in the name of Truth and Justice, or will he hide behind the couch?

    I will need an update!

    (This is not meant to besmirch the honor and bravery of Big Bean. I’m just projecting what would likely happen in my house.)

    Alias Mothers last blog post..I think we have a future in child photography

  5. DUUUDE. I am with Alias Mother. I hope creepy neighbor doesn’t retaliate. Oh and once these tools stole our truck OUT OF OUR DRIVEWAY with a tow truck and our neighbor (who was coming home from swing shift) ran out in HIS boxers with a crow bar. With I could have seen it. WOuld have been AWESOME! They didn’t catch those guys, but we have a pretty good idea who it was. Anyhoo GO BIG BEAN!

    KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Why Some People Shouldn’t Be Left Alone

  6. I never liked Sam Elliott anyway. That mustache probably gets all covered with food and stuff.

    HILARIOUS story. By all means, keep us updated.

    Mrs. Whos last blog post..I Am Going To Wear A Little Black Dress Every Day For The Rest Of My Life

  7. We used to live in a high crime neighborhood and I never caused someone’s arrest, but I *did* spend a lot of time being nosy while peering out my blinds in the day trying to figure out why the police were at that house tonight.

    I’m sure the neighbor’s saw me. I mean, the lights were on in our house. They never retaliated. Surely this guy wouldn’t.

    Your husband did the neighborhood a service. Obviously, this guy was dangerous. If he drove drunk this one time, my guess is he’d done it before and just hadn’t been caught and would probably do it again if not caught. So it’s good that he was caught.:)

    Susans last blog post..Frustration and Idiocy


    My husband actually has the police department’s non-emergency number on speed dial. He fancies himself an unofficial deputy of sorts, without a doubt. If I weren’t afraid of committing some sort of federal offense (or of him using his powers for evil instead of good), I would have a badge made and give it to him.

    Wait, I just thought of something else. My brother once had a huge decal made for his truck. It stretched across the whole back window of the cab, and it said ‘DANE COUNTY SHERIFF’ but in very teeny words right above it, words that were not really visible to other drivers, it said, “proud supporter of.” You should have seen the way other cars would instantly slam on the brakes in his presence. He was even pulled over by a couple of laughing cops. Eventually, he had to take it off but it was pretty awesome for a while.

    maggie, dammits last blog post..Awareness

  9. Well, in your husband’s defense, all he really did was go outside in his boxers. It was just fate that your sheriff neighbor came out and asked what was going on. So if Fake Sam Elliott shows up on your doorstep looking for some sweet, sweet revenge you can tell him that.

    Your husband might want to look into some sort of volunteer position at your ocal police department. How much fun would the uniform be?

    Awesome story.

    blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..You May Have Picked the Wrong Day to Stop Sniffing Glue

  10. Holy freak! That is a killer story to tell the grandkids one day (although if Big Bean is anything like my husband by then it will have probably morphed into him stopping a team of rabid drug smugglers and deflecting bullets with his bare hands.)

    Love it.

    And how funny is that I link here at Immoral Matriarch’s today and you link there,too ! HA!

    Loralees last blog post..CLICK!

  11. Your version of events is funnier than the one Big Bean gave me. This really is one of your funniest posts.

  12. You tell an excellent story, my friend. This post is FA, for sure! I love how twitchy and excited the Big Bean was — just like my son would have been. I think you should get him a red cape for Christmas (or his birthday, if that’s sooner). That would really get him amped I bet. ;)

    MommyTimes last blog post..If My Body is a Temple, Why Am I So Happy When It Breaks?

  13. Even if I hadn’t just had a lot of wine with dinner, this would be SO funny. Big Bean is a super hero.

    Captain Dumbasss last blog post.."Sometimes It Has To Breathe"

  14. Too funny!! That is exactly what my husband would do!! Go get ‘em Big Bean! I know I’ll sleep better tonight!!

  15. Would that make him Super Big Bean?

    heheheh. Awesome.

    Captain Steves last blog post..Wooooooossssssaaaaaaaa.

  16. There is nothing so satisfying as calling the cops on your neighbors. It leads to great fun at the neighborhood block party. When “Sam” offers you his famous crab dip, just be careful.

    I called the code compliance officer in my town when the neighbors got a rooster. This damn rooster crowed from 4am to 11pm. I could see it from my bedroom window but my hubby wouldn’t bring home a high powered rifle from work (he’s a cop, not a professional hitman). Turns out that even though we are part of the city, we are rural enough that you can have certain farm animals on your property. So I said, “Chuck “(our code officer is Chuck and I am on first name basis with him due to other neighbors that I whined about- yes, I am that kind of neighbor!) Anyway, I said, “Chuck, what about the noise ordinance?” Our city has an ordinance that if you can heard it more than 50 feet away it’s too load. It was over 50 feet, hence the need for the high power rifle, right? So the neighbors had to get rid of the rooster. It’s cool though, as I found out they think the neighbor right next to them were the ones to call the city. hehehehe

    Chris Os last blog post..Informal Election Poll

  17. Aaahhhhh hahahaha….this is one of the best stories I have read in a long time! Totally reminds me of how my husband would handle this situation!

    Sarahs last blog post..Not to Sound Like I am 14, but OMG a NEW TWILIGHT PREVIEW!!

  18. THANK YOU! I’d been trying to pass that stone for some time. It just popped right out while reading this.

    WPoFDs last blog post..Bologna & Cheese Sandwiches

  19. Wow! I will never look at Sam Elliot again without thinking of you (and the Big Bean, aka Super Bean).

    Just Bs last blog post..Smug, Humble, Grateful

  20. My daughter makes me want to be a crimefighter too.

    Although, to be honest, a brain-eating crime-fighter.

  21. Hold up!!

    First – Big Bean is bad ass. Clearly, someone needs to be getting a cape. Not just for crime fighting purposes, but to cover up when he’s out there saving the world from injustice in just his boxers.


    Second – The volunteer sheriff dude heard what had happened, but didn’t go out to investigate prior to the time he would be leaving for his shift NOR knew what had happened?! Without question, your community needs bad ass boxer-wearin’ Big Bean to save them!

    foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..she never mentions the word addiction in certain company

  22. Hello. I found your site today and I like it a lot. It’s pretty interesting. I liked this post it was good.

    Zandors last blog post..Google Reader?

  23. I want to be involved in some kind of police/superhero drama, but sadly (thankfully?) I don’t have neighbours that are creepy enough.

    Great post :)

    Razs last blog post..Looking Ahead

  24. Because you know that the first thought in my paranoid little head was that I would be getting a gun and some pepper spray because Sam Elliot pissed off could be a very bad thing.

    Anissa@Hope4Peytons last blog post..Mission accomplished!

  25. Right about now I’m really wishing I knew someone who drew comics, ’cause I would totally have them come read this and then depict it in comic-book fashion! *lol*

    The Bean saves the day, yet again!

    Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Saturday Sugar

  26. It amazes me that men will run outside in their underwear. Can you imagine running out in your panties? Not unless the house is on fire.

    What was with the sheriff that he didn’t go investigate a crash he heard?

    Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..The most surreal thing happened on my way to becoming a writer

  27. This story was the perfect thing to read with my morning coffee, exceptfor the part where I laughed while drinking and snorted some up my nose. Thanks for that :)

    Zs last blog post..So now I’m a granny

  28. Awesome! He rocks! So does your post!!! There’s a new sheriff in town!

    Jim Huffmans last blog post..Lost Files, Found Files, Cost Files, Round Files


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