Do you ever have one of those moments where you say to yourself, “HOLY SHIT! I AM SOMEONE’S PARENT!”?**
**I mean, if you have a kid that is. If you don’t have a kid I’m guessing you don’t have those HOLY SHIT I’M SOMEONE’S PARENT moments, unless you have pets and think of them as your babies, which I used to do to but now just seems ridiculous because I have an ACTUAL baby and as much as you might not want to believe that you love your pets less when you have an actual baby of your own, it’s totally true — you really, really do. Because I used to love those animals as if I had given birth to them myself (which is a *slight* exaggeration because, eww) but now I look at them and just see WORK. Now whenever the cat pees on my clean laundry or the bed just after I’ve washed the sheets, I throw him outside and think, “Would you just DIE already?” and I would NEVER have thought that before, I would have just cleaned it up silently and still snuggled with that ungrateful motherfucker at night in my bed that still smells like cat pee even after I’ve changed the sheets because now it’s in the mattress and until I get a new mattress or at least fumigate this one I’m trapped in a bed of pee, with an EXTREMELY UNHAPPY husband, no less.
Babies change everything.
Anyway, I have a lot of those HOLY SHIT I’M SOMEONE’S PARENT moments. And I mean a LOT. Like, every day. Sometimes I look at my life and I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, in fact, it’s probably a good thing because I was really kind of an asshole before. And the jury’s out on whether I’m still an asshole — I’m sure if you asked some people they would say “You bet she’s still an asshole!” But even if I am, at least I’m a more mellow asshole and I think we can all agree that’s an improvement.
So my point is, life in the Big Bean-slash-Bejewell household is not the same as it once was, and it never will be again, and sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by that amazing fact. I wouldn’t change any of it for the entire world, but it still freaks my shit out sometimes.
It’s the little things that really get me, like the other day when the three of us were all just hanging out and I noticed the Big Bean, lost in thought, kind of zoned out, with his lips moving like he was silently talking to himself. And I asked him what he was thinking about, and he snapped back to reality and sheepishly admitted, “I was singing the theme to Elmo’s World.”
I mean, really. Who ARE these people now residing in the bodies we once occupied?
There was also the day I found myself berating the Big Bean for leaving the toilet seat up, not something that would have upset me before, but I had lost track of the Bean for like two seconds and finally found him playing in the toilet water with a look on his face that clearly said THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE MOST FUN THING I HAVE EVER DONE. Which made me think (a) my kid is entertained by the weirdest things and (b) that is DEFINITELY a safety hazard and also (c) gross. So I was REALLY pissed and yelled at the Big Bean and then later I thought to myself, “Huh. I never imagined that in my entire life I would shout at someone else ‘HE WAS IN THE TOILET AGAIN AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!’” That’s just not a sentence I ever thought would come out of my mouth, especially considering the angry force with which it was delivered.
And then there’s our CD collection. Our poor, poor CD collection, now just a sad shell of its former self. It used to be meticulously ordered alphabetically by artist, with soundtracks separate because they’re special (really, if I could just have a separate shelf for my Garden State soundtrack all by itself, I totally would). Now I can’t find ANYTHING because every CD has been yanked out and stepped on at least once, and most of them either (1) don’t have cover inserts anymore or (2) they do, but they’ve been pulled out and slobbered on or half-eaten. In fact at this very moment there’s a cover insert for an old Harry Connick CD sitting in my bathroom sink, where it will likely remain until I brush my teeth again, at which point it will be tossed in some other random spot, never to see the inside of the CD case again. I have no idea where the CD itself is.
But I digress.
What really made me think of this (and aren’t you glad I did?) was this weekend, when I made oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookies (and no, I didn’t lie, I really can’t cook for shit but for some reason I CAN bake the hell out of some cookies…I’m not really sure why that comes easy when regular cooking doesn’t, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with motivation). And instead of licking the cookie dough off of both mixer thingies like I would normally do with a weird sense of urgency and unashamed selfishness, I gave one to the Bean to lick. And he was SO cute and liked it SO much that I GAVE HIM THE OTHER ONE and didn’t even feel a twinge of “But I wanted that.” I just loved watching him enjoy it so much that I actually forgot about myself for a moment – and trust me, that is NEW.
And then I was at work today rooting around in my purse looking for something, and I pulled out two diapers, a Popsicle stick and the ever-present pack of Wet Ones. I know without question that NONE of those things would have been in my purse pre-Bean. And at least one of them was not put there by me — it was left for me, like a little gift. And I actually cried a little when I found it because really, HOW FUCKING SWEET IS THAT?
And again, who the hell IS this person, with the tears and the loving-someone-more-than-myself thing? Not me, that’s for sure.
I really have no idea how this happened, maybe it’s just because I have the Best Bean in the Entire World and his presence casts some crazy magic zombie spell over everyone he meets and turns them into weepy unselfish fools, or maybe this is just something that happens to all parents, even the ones without the Best Bean in the Entire World, and even assholes like me.
Whatever it is, I have to say I’m not hating my post-Bean life. Not even a little bit.
And that is all.
P.S. No, you can’t have a cookie.
P.P.S. If you’re in the market for a cat that likes to pee on stuff, give me a ring.
P.P.P.S. I just did spell check/grammar check on this and OHMYGOD I am such a fucked up writer.
Stumble it!
Tags: cat pee
October 13th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
OMG you are so right on! Pefect. I stubled this!
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..You Think This Will Catch On?
October 13th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
OMG I need spell check too. PERFECT STUMBLE
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..You Think This Will Catch On?
October 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Love this post Beej!
Simply Shannons last blog post..Doing something right
October 13th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
you are a nut, I love it
flutters last blog post..
October 13th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
this is a great post… every day I think these things…
marlas last blog post..Mail Goggles…
October 13th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
This is, indeed, great, but I have to admit, you have also made me feel like I am not a good mother. Want to know why?
Dude, I gave the kids the mix beaters before, like, maybe once, but all I could think about was how much I wanted them. It nearly killed me, that delicious raw dough going to their enjoyment. So now, when they beg (and you bet they beg), I tell them, “Oh, no, you shouldn’t eat raw eggs!” Then I lick the beaters, but I totally turn my back so they don’t have to watch.
This was awesome, though.
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..you realize if I played by my rules, I’d be cleaning out kids’ rooms right now?
October 13th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Yep, I have been there. And now I am constantly amazed that I am a GRANDMOTHER. When the hell did that happen? When did I grow up?? But then I snuzzle his sweet head after he RUNS to me when he comes to my house and I don’t care when I grew up. I’m just glad I did.
Mrs. Whos last blog post..For Fun Friday October 10, 2008
October 13th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
1) Obviously, you’re my evil twin. I can’t bake for the life of me, but I can cook. Hell, I can even use a CrockPot.
B) Holy SHIT. YOU are someone’s PARENT! Lucky kid.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..I’ve been one poor correspondent
October 13th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I sometimes can’t believe that I’ve been a mother for 27 years. And those kids still amaze me with their antics. I have the gray hairs to prove it.
I have a cat that peed one day but he was nice enough to find an empty votive candle holder. He finished without spilling a drop. He had asked to go out, but I ignored him. Did I learn? Nope, about a week ago, one of my cats was crying at 1am to go out. I said no and ignored him (different cat than the peeing one) Instead this one decided to find a nice place to take a crap. My nose led me to the dark corner of my daughter’s closet where her luau palm frond hat lay. It was filled with very wet cat poo. OOPS guess he had a tummy ache. Yes, the Cat Shat in the Hat. Now when those damn cats ask me to jump, I say how high?!?
Chris Os last blog post..The Agony of Defeat
October 13th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
We missed you at brunch. Hope all are feeling better. I think our next gathering should be with kids. I gotta meet this Bean.
rockzees last blog post..Mad Men Monday
October 13th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
“Would you just DIE already?”
Can’t. stop. giggling.
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..If I was a mugger I’d use vines to swoop down on my victims because that would be very entertaining and they’d feel like they were getting something for their money
October 13th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
You gave up BOTH beaters?
Did you get a lobotomy when you gave birth? Because otherwise I can’t think of a good reason for giving up both beaters.
I mean, one is good parenting. Two is just insane.
Alias Mothers last blog post..I think we have a future in child photography
October 13th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I love your stream-of-consciousness way of getting right to the juicy nugget, which is, how mind-blowingly amazing it really is to be some little human’s parent.
Megs last blog post..Drunken Punkins
October 13th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
this is awesome
(not that your other posts haven’t been OF COURSE but I actually have two seconds to leave a comment tonight!)
~ms last blog post..I didn’t know
October 13th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
You had me at CD COLLECTION!!! Seriously!!! And can we add “dvd collection” to that as well? I’m not lying when I say I found Carter the other day using two dvds as ice skates around the dining room table.
This post rocks. But you already knew that.
October 13th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
The animal thing is so fricking true. I was so in love with my dumb-ass dog. Now he’s too damn big, eats too much, requires way too much food and water, whines like a little bitch, blah blah blah. So I decided to make him an outside dog during the day when me and the Kid are home. Ha! Take that you flea bitten mutt! J/k. I do sometimes wish he would run away.
Janahs last blog post..Awesome Weekend!
October 13th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
You have a talent for writing, yes, but what I was going to say is you have a talent for looking at yourself and your life objectively.
I used to have sooo little patience for people who treat their animals like children, Now I just kinda feel sorry for them.
Did you ever see Jon and Kate plus 8, on TLC about the cute family with a set of twins and a set of SEXTUPLETS? People are always saying she is mean to him. Well guess what! Keeping track of 8 little kids is an extrememly stressful job. I know I was a real bitch to my husband when the kids were little. You are forgiven because he understands. He’s in it, too. He knows.
Try not too be too hard on yourself or the little bean. I think we tend to make Baby 1 neurotic with our images of perfection and our sense of what an awesome responsibility it is to raise them. Your sense of humor will probably be one of your greatest gifts to him. after your tremendous love, of course.
How cool that you can love diapers and wipees in your purse. You get it. Totally.
LuckyMes last blog post..No Thanks Spanx
October 13th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
I keep waiting for Someone Important to figure out that they left ME in charge of three small, vulnerable amazing people. How did this happen? There was a time people wouldn’t have left me in charge of plants!
No one captures a moment/emotion like you with humor, truth and a fucking lot of curse words! Loved it.
Just Bs last blog post..Career (Mis)Managment Monday
October 13th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Congrats on being the proud Mama to a Boo-tiful Bean!
Simply Shannons last blog post..Doing something right
October 13th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
You are definitely fucking crazy, but in a beautiful way and that’s why I love ya!
Stumbled! Oh and favourited too!
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Sunday, a Day of Rest? Yeah Right!
October 13th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Wait, I just saw Shanon’s comment?!?!?! Did you win????
OMG I’m so glad you did! Awesome! Congrats on winning Bird’s contest!
BTW, you do have the most gorgeous little boy I’ve ever seen! He’s just adorable and so deserving of that win!
Congratulations Bean!
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Sunday, a Day of Rest? Yeah Right!
October 14th, 2008 at 8:30 am
Of course, the Bean just allowed you to find the wonderful you you’ve always been.
October 14th, 2008 at 8:36 am
I have been thinking for awhile that perhaps you may be a long lost sister of mine. This post cinched it for me.
Kailas last blog post..All new Excellent Injury Thursday!
October 14th, 2008 at 10:19 am
My son is 2 1/2, and I still have those OMG moments all the time. Especially if he isn’t learning something fast enough and I have to take responsibility for it, lol!
Melanies last blog post..Loss
October 14th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I love it when I find little rocks in my person for the same reason you did with the stick.
Great post!
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..The most surreal thing happened on my way to becoming a writer
October 14th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
You are HILARIOUS!! I came across your blog by “accident”, and I am crying (seriously wiping tears with a kleenex, crying) I am laughing so hard at this….it is all so TRUE!
You are really a great writer! Good Luck!?
October 14th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I agree with flutter! I have those moments all the time.
Anastasias last blog post..Cards, Letters and Photos..oh my!
October 15th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Ummm…this is so ME. i have the same thoughts everyday. just wait until you are forced to put special rocks and acorns and sticks in your pockets or purse because there are none like it anywhere in the universe and god help you they will scream to the high heavens should you refuse.
October 16th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I loved this, my friend. And I’m so with you . . . I am now a much mellower asshole . . .
B
tysdaddys last blog post..Pushover
October 16th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
One thing stood out to me in particular about this post. You called yourself an “asshole”. I’m pretty sure girls can’t be called assholes. It’s sort of gender-jumping. Maybe you could be a bitch-stick or an asshat, maybe. But definitely not an asshole. I know assholes, Beej, and you’re no asshole. Love you. Mean it.
steenky bee (jenboglass)s last blog post..The Spin Cycle: The Rhythm is Gonna Get You
October 17th, 2008 at 2:48 am
What an amazing post! I feel that way all the time, and often say it to my husband.
Rachaels last blog post..My Brain is Total Mush
October 17th, 2008 at 10:38 am
This is so beautiful. I have been trying to get back here for 3 days and rave about it. Then I had to scroll forever just to leave a comment. I loved this.
October 17th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Because baking is science and cooking is art.
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October 18th, 2008 at 12:59 am
My cat pees on things too! It didn’t happen until number one was born and he only pees on things (not the floor). He has come so close to being beaten to death, and yet I can’t quite get rid of him. Stupid cat!
Carries last blog post..When life seems like a t.v. reality show…