The Bean is my son. We call him The Bean because when I was pregnant all the books you read to learn about what the hell is happening to you compared the fetus size to the size of some kind of bean. (“Week 6: Your baby is the size of a black eyed pea!” “Week 9: Your baby is the size of a pinto bean!”) Not knowing yet if it was a boy or a girl, we started using ”The Bean” and it stuck, even after we moved into fruit and vegetable territory.
The Bean was born in 2007 and he is perfect.
But enough about him. Let’s talk about me.
- I’m thirty-hrmurmpf years old and live in Austin, Texas, same town where I grew up. I had a somewhat misguided youth and took a brief sojourn to San Diego, California when I was 19, where I met my husband (the Big Bean) through a Scandalous Love Triangle, which all seemed very dramatic at the time but now just seems kind of silly.
- I don’t play the lottery anymore because I’m always genuinely surprised and disappointed when I don’t win.
- The Big Bean and I have been together forever. He can be a total JACK. ASS. sometimes but he makes me laugh at least once pretty much every day, so for now I’m keeping him.
- We have three cats and two dogs. The Big Bean despises all of them except Napoleon, our weiner dog who was found wandering on a busy highway and now spends his days dodging very violently delivered hugs and kisses from the Bean.
- Simon the cat is our oldest living pet, about 15 now and skinny as hell but smart and still able to catch and eat whole birds. I totally believe he understands me when I speak and remain thoroughly convinced that if a burglar came into the house Simon would find a way to save me. I saw the re-enactment of this happening once on Ripley’s Believe It or Not, so I know it’s possible. The Big Bean thinks I shouldn’t count on it.
- I’m not able to watch news shows like 20/20 or Dateline anymore because I get totally freaked out by the stories and become ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED they will happen to me, too.
- For the above reason, I can’t drive behind a truck with a load that I feel might be improperly tied down and I will never, ever place my purse on a bathroom floor. And I’m seriously considering growing my hair out again so I can wear hair clips because I saw a story once about a woman who survived being shot because the bullet hit her hair clip instead and ricocheted. Since I cut my hair, I don’t feel safe.
- Every time I have a garage sale I gift wrap at least one piece of crap and price it really high, and call it the ”Mystery Gift.” And every time, some dumb schmo buys it.
- I write and edit technical and marketing documents for a government agency. There’s really not much to say about it except that it’s INCREDIBLY boring but pays the bills. The commute’s a bitch and the creepy dude in the cubicle next to me is so annoying it makes my eyes water, but they pay me really well for the little work I actually do, so I keep showing up.Plus, they have a crushed ice machine. Crushed ice is one of those things you don’t realize how much you love until it’s gone.
- My last job was at a video game company where I wrote trivia questions for an online game. It was incredibly fun but paid diddley-squat (and had no crushed ice) so I had to quit and go back to Bureaucrat-Land where I’m bored but can actually afford groceries and gas.
- I lose EVERYTHING. Keys and glasses especially. I NEVER leave the house without having to return at least once to retrieve something I’ve forgotten. I don’t even say goodbye on the first try anymore. For more info on this, see my post Has Anyone Seen My Keys?
- I have absolutely no idea how to align anything in WordPress.
- I have dreams of quitting the Bureaucracy and earning my living as a professional creative writer, but I have no idea how to make that happen and also a discipline-slash-confidence issue. I console myself with small freelance jobs and articles, which pay little but are slowly building a portfolio.
- I find inappropriate things terribly funny, and I also have a nervous habit of laughing in uncomfortable situations. This often makes me look like a fool but has left me with a number of hilarious, self-deprecating stories to tell at parties. When I’m not otherwise making an ass out of myself.
- I tend to avoid difficult subjects or conflicts with other people. If I don’t want to think about it, I don’t, which explains my current credit rating.
- I also tend to obsess about things for a while and then forget about them, which doesn’t bode well for this blog.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
You know what? I get freaked out when I’m following a truck w/ a big load, too, like, it’s going to roll off and right onto my windshield. Those trucks that carry new cars, they are the worst. Or that have some kind of long thin object that would impale me to the car seat.
Oh, and bridges. They could collapse while I am on them.
I NEVER watch anything that is remotely scary and/or violent on the news because…YOU NEVER KNOW. It COULD happen!
I wonder if there’s therapy for people like us…
June 25th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
M – I’ve got the worst fear of bridges, I should add that one. I actually have a recurring nightmare about flying off of one that isn’t complete, so anytime I pass one that’s under construction and not completed I shiver a little. I actually looked it up one time and it has a phobia name, but it was long and I forgot it.
There is therapy for ANYTHING. Trust me, if these are the worst of our problems, we’re doing okay.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:29 pm
You seem to be me, sugar, just (much) younger. Sorry ’bout that. But I’m happy these days, and still hot (and, again like you, I married well…). Glad to have you as a blog-buddy!
July 6th, 2008 at 8:44 am
camsavwin – I can think of worse things to be. Nice to know my future’s so bright. Going to get some shades now.
July 8th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
I’m an HR consultant and work at a couple of different client offices. One of my current clients has an ice cube machine that is full to overflowing of those round ice cubes with the hole in the center. I prefer cubes to crushed, but I do get a little jazzed when I have unrestricted access to an entire machine full of ice. Like at hotels? WATCH OUT, sistah, it’s the first thing I do, fill the ice bucket. Whether or not I intend to use it.
July 9th, 2008 at 1:56 am
you’re exhausting, but in a good way.
July 9th, 2008 at 9:04 pm
Soup fan – The crushed ice thing always takes me back to high school, when we would steal booze from my mom’s liquor cabinet but we were too sissy to drink it straight, so we’d mix it with cherry limeades from Sonic. They always had that crushed ice. I luuuurvvv it.
You should take a bucket with you to work one day and fill up. Just to see.
3 boys – That may be my favorite thing anyone’s ever said about me.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Oh Shit, I love the ‘mystery gift’ at the garage sale idea. I will so use that.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I love this.
And hot holy shit I edit technical documents as a contractor for a government agency and never in one thousand million years imagined that I would “meet” some other sucker that did that.
And the fuck if we don’t have crushed ice. You win.
I love you!
Over from All Mediocre. Off to read more!
July 25th, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Kristine – Do it. You will make more from the “mystery gift” than any other item you sell in the garage sale, if you play your cards right. It should also be the one item you refuse to negotiate on. Keep em guessing and they will pay you every penny. Trust me on this one.
Danielle — Power to the little people! Cogs in the Machine, UNITE!
And crushed ice fucking ROCKS.
July 26th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
The story about the dog got me here & as I am only on my second day of blogging… I have avoided animal stories because I am a huge softie for them and have taken in every stray that ever crossed my path (or that I could stalk down
) sometimes taking in multiples. Too afraid to see something not so cool as it relates to animals… I am the type that has to change the channel on tv if there is any indication of an animal cruelty story as I become enraged and want to go after the people accused. I get too work up. Kids and critters have always been my “thing”. Many times made signs that never left the house. Sorry she shit and run ~ but I get the feeling she was a Gypsie and probably just moved on.
I noodled around a bit and read a few entries (never read a blog entry until after I started mine yesterday so needless to say this computer has held every bit of my attention since that moment. Usually have every bit of housework & laundry done by this point of the weekend, have yet to start this weekend. Ordered Chinese for dinner.
So many things you wrote I identified with. Way to many to even mention. I would have to say this is my favorite stop to date & I added you to my blogroll so I think that means I can find you again. I haven’t figured all this shit out quite yet, I will though.
Anyways I just wanted to say thanks ~ very cool reading here, I will be back ~ I called one of my very best friends in the world The Bean ~ so the name should stick with me. Like you I lose everything, my mind included at some points of any given week, but I think I can keep The Bean with me.
Laughed about the bloghers because I found them tonight as well ~ a couple hours ago, but I didn’t feel compelled to join. Blogging to me is seems a lot like poker ~ a penis is not a prerequisite for advancement or success, so I looked at the “ladies” site but figured I was probably a little more than they bargained for at a gathering. Just didn’t seem the spot for someone with my inner working or life experiences that I tend to speak about “colorfully”. Would imagine I will blog as colorfully if not more so. My grandfather was an English Prof as well as a Technical Writing Instructor ~ he was all about expressing oneself ~ so it filtered to me minus the profanity filter. I think you’ll be just fine if you never hear from the bloghers. You have some quality shit here, if they choose to notice it or not.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:05 pm
You have a wonderful BEAN, so cute and lovely I can’t even tell…
And I totally found myself in these lines you wrote:
“I have dreams of earning my living as a professional author or magazine columnist, but I have no idea how to get started and, to be honest, probably not enough discipline or confidence to make it happen anyway. I would LOVE to write professionally about things that really interest me instead of boring technical jargon, but hey, wouldn’t we all? Kinda what the Blogosphere is all about, I guess.”
Hope to find you again, as now I am too sleepy to visit your other posts, in my country it is 3 a.m. when I am writing, so it is deep in the dark night…:)
August 2nd, 2008 at 10:39 am
Regarding your dreams of earning a iving as a professional author or magazine columnist: I’m a columnist and I got started by offering to write a few things for free for Austin Monthly magazine. After you do a few free pieces, you’ll have some nice clips, then you can start trying to get those paying gigs. Most small, individually-owned publications are whores for free writing or photography.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
I grew up in Austin (lived there until I was 18) and so I feel a kinship. It’s a quirky and beautiful town!
Love your “mystery gift” garage sale thing. Now I am going to have to have one just so I can do that…
Cheers!
Elaine
Elaines last blog post..Through the Lens – Assignment 3
August 16th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
I agree. You can never underestimate the value of crushed ice.
Maybe that value came with the name? It’s possible.
The “mystery gift” idea is genius. If I ever host another garage sale, I’m doing it. Sadly, I’m so lazy that I will probably continue to just stash my crap in the crawl space and hope it disappears.
Blythes last blog post..Land that I Love?
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Okay, I know this is an old post…but I’m laughing out loud here at work. Not cool. but I’m going to do it anyway.
I LOVE the mystery gift at a garage sale idea!
kristins last blog post..Don’t forget!
September 24th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
When I was doing hard time, catholic school, I used to laugh when I got in trouble. That made me get into more trouble, so i spent ,ost of m,y time standing in the “LarryLily Memorial Corner” in the back off the room.
So I feel ya pain.
as far as sarcasm goes, I also work for a government agency after 18 years in private industry. So i am slowly adjusting to the fact that unless I actually kill my boss, nothing I do can ever really get me into serious trouble. I write sarcastic e-mails when its needed. like the one I wrote about the endless fire alarm tests that they do at 6am, when I am here, but 95% of the people are not and i suggested that they do the tests at noon so the entire 650 people here could enjoy the full ear splitting 20 minute drill. Some smegma mouth beatch who takes her job way too seriously wanted me written up for it. Fortunately there are some people with a balanced brain, while they can see sarcasm for what it is, they still know when its sarcastic, and not a threat.
LarryLilys last blog post..Great, now I am being told I am a woman
October 19th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
wow this was like reading about myself. except for the professional writer thing.. i cant do anything professionally.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I’m gonna try that mystery item thing at my next garage sale. You are a freaking genius.
blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..And This Is Why I Never Get Anything Done
December 5th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
I can’t watch those 20/20 and Dateline shows either. Even worse are those old true crime shows like Unsolved Mysteries – with the creepy voiceover and the bad acting and weird camera work. Before my puppies came to live with me, I would sometimes imagine that voice narrating my life while I walked down a hallway or folded laundry. It takes a lot of Dr. Seuss to clear that from your mind. That imaginary voice loses a lot of its power when it starts rhyming in rhythm.
Bridges last blog post..Almost the Dream
December 12th, 2008 at 11:17 am
It must be nice to have nothing to do except write a blog about your child. I’d rather be playing with my child or cleaning the house or yard myself. You obviously have people that you pay to do that since you have so much time to waste. I guess I’m jealous, but even if I had those luxuries, I’d be playing with my child. I’m at work (yes, some mom’s have a 2nd job too) and was searching for a work related bean item. I don’t have time to sit around and read blogs all day either, but I had to comment when I realized that this website was about some woman and her kid and how wonderful he is.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:55 pm
Penn, Penn, Penn.
I guess I would take your comment more seriously if you knew anything about me at all, but obviously you don’t, nor did you even read the page you commented on, which clearly says that I DO have a full-time job. In fact, I have a full-time job AND do freelance work, and I don’t pay anyone to do anything for me at all. I write my blog at night after my son goes to sleep, after I have paid bills and done housework and anything else that needs to be done, and I am happy to sacrifice the sleep time because I enjoy writing and find it a fulfilling creative outlet. If you don’t enjoy reading it I would strongly suggest you never come back.
I almost deleted your comment because it is stupid and clueless but I think I’ll leave it so everyone who reads my blog can see what a total jackass sounds like.
By the way, you have successfully insulted millions of women who DO stay at home with their kids and maintain blogs about their experiences by suggesting that their lives are somehow less worthy or less interesting than yours. Nice job.
I would write more about what an idiot you are, but I have to get back to work now (yes, some of us DO have second, and THIRD jobs).
Happy holidays.
December 24th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I saw so much of myself in that post, that I’m sure we wouldn’t like each other in person at all. Thank goodness we are limited to online correspondence.
Due to my extreme talent for vicarious traumatization, I now forbid myself from newsmagazines, TV news, and basically anything except light bs that makes me LAUGH. I get it.
and, may your all your Christmases be white…(sorry that was SO racist)
Anns last blog post..Springfield Ass
January 11th, 2009 at 11:51 am
I believe we may be related:
1. I call my middle child “Bean” “Beaner” “Bean Jeans” and a variety of other Bean-related names.
2. I too have an unhealthy addiction to reality TV, but am unable to watch Dateline shows either, due to paranoia issues.
3. I love to sell crap at garage sales and see who will buy it.
4. My dream is to author a book someday. Unfortunately, I lack the motivation.
5. I love all things inappropriate!
Cocottes last blog post..Reading Phenomenons
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:22 pm
So I just spent the last hour reading through this….Blythe…WOW! Your amazing!!! The funny thing…as I read your words…they are my thoughts..so many of them! I miss you and I am glad that we touched each others lives….I am so happy that you are happy!!!! xoxo
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:02 am
How have I missed this blog? Just when I think personal blogs are enormous dunghills of stupid ideas and worse writing, I end up here, on a fellow Austinite’s site, reading post after post and laughing out loud late into the night.
Thanks for sharing. Somebody should pay you big money to do this.
Craigs last blog post..The Robot hiding in the kitchen
February 6th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
OK. I get it. And you ARE Fucking Awesome. How the hell am I going to stay ‘on time’ now, huh?
February 18th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
My GOD! Where we separated at birth? My husbands a JACK ASS too but I keep him around cause he makes me laugh (too) and my son is perfect in every way accept when he’s being a whiny jerk. I can say that now that’s almost 4.
And I love you’re response to Penn that’s is SO how I would have answered… again we were separated at birth I tell ya.
Love the blog.. just had to tell ya.
Ronis last blog post..What does dieting mean to you?
March 1st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
It’s official, I’m in love with you and your beans (mostly your blog). And what’s ironic is that I think the best place for crushed is the the Coffee Bean!! Whaaaaa!!!!!! I don’t know what it is about their crushed ice, but it’s truly the best. I don’t even know if you have a Coffee Bean in TX.. anyhow, I trust your ability to Google if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Elles last blog post..Spinning 101
September 17th, 2009 at 1:27 am
Hi Beej,
I’m Julie, the editor of “Mamapedia Voices”, and we feature guest bloggers on Mamapedia, a site for Moms all across the country. I’ve just found your blog, and would like to invite you write a piece which could be featured on our site.
Though Mamapedia Voices has just started out, it is already receiving a lot of attention, both on our site, on our guest bloggers’ sites, and beyond. We promote our featured guest bloggers through emails, Twitter, Facebook and more. It’s a wonderful opportunity to grow your audience!
If you would like to participate, please take a look at Mamapedia Voices. Next, sign up here http://bit.ly/BloggerSignUp to be on the blogger roster, and then you will be able to see the complete (and easy) instructions for submitting a piece for consideration.
Also, because we like your blog, please download a recognition badge from us- there are many fun designs to choose from here: http://www.mamapedia.com/voices/blogger_badge
If you have our badge on your blog, you’ll be entered into a drawing to win $100 for your favorite women’s, children’s or family charity! And you’ll be listed on our blog roll.
Thank you, and I look forward to reading more of your work!
Best wishes,
Julie D’Agostino
Editor, Mamapedia Voices
October 9th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Haven?t known that there is a contest submitting site before!
December 7th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
You definitely should be writing a column. Weekly at least. If no newspapers in Texas are intelligent enough to recognize your talent, you should consider moving.
April 25th, 2010 at 4:57 am
My daughter is also called Bean
I gave her that name because she was a compulsive bed jumper and I grew up in Arizona.
May 19th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
You SHOULD have issue with driving behind trucks with big loads… and here is why. I was driving my husbands new ford 150 up 1-35 towards Round Rock, TX. It was 7ish pm with moderate traffic. I was behind a carnival truck in the middle lane, thinking about my irrational fear of carnies with no teeth. Anyway, the trailer behind the truck had a GIANT polka-dotted mushroom with 3 clown heads, in theory, secured on either side. No I was not on drugs as the 911 operator thought, but more about that later. I’m driving behind this thinking, “man, it sure would suck to get crushed by a giant metal mushroom”. While writing my incredibly funny obit in my head, I decided to move into the right hand lane just in case. No more than 10 seconds after changing lanes, I saw a strap snap and one of the clown heads jumped out of the trailer, hit the highway, exactly where my truck would have been and bounced into the inside lane, hit the median, bounces off and hit a car, crash, honk, smack, screech, OMFG all happening in my review mirror. And I’m thinking, “Fuck, I’m psychic….. Fuck!”. I fumble for the phone and call 911, while trying to get the carnie truck to pull over as they don’t realize they have lost a clown head. “911, what is your emergency?” “I’m on 1-35 going north, just past 620, there is a yellow carnival truck with a fucking giant mushroom. They just lost a clown head. It bounced in the center lane where I fucking just was. It bounced and hit a few cars, I heard crashes and honks…” “Ma’am, are you intoxicated?” “Fuck! No, seriously there is a GIANT metal mushroom…. ”
They started getting other calls and decided that I was not hallucinating. Beyond being psychic, I learned that it is not a good idea to leave your out-of-town husband a message that says, “Oh my fucking god, I almost died tonight in your new truck! A giant fucking clown head almost crushed me. But it’s good now, love you, k bai”.
May 20th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Dear Beej,
You and Tracy are not allowed to hang out. Unless you want to.